Jewish Singles: Dating a Single Parent

Who Takes Priority?

The longer you wait to marry, the greater the odds that you will be dating someone who is already married, divorced, and with children. Though some clients won’t consider dating someone with children, most of them realize that at a certain age, it’s almost inevitable, and with maturity, wisdom, love, and humor, it can turn out to have some very rewarding benefits. First of all, be aware that especially at the beginning of the relationship, children are going to take precedence over you, and that’s perfectly normal. One of the most important things a divorced parent can do is to create a stable environment in an instable situation. Divorce shakes up a child’s sense of stability, but if it is handled properly, the child regains their stability and securely builds upon the new reality. When the parent is dating, the child must see that his/her needs still take precedence, and this should continue until you are a permanent fixture in the equation. You need to be understanding and flexible in this situation, and realize that this is your chance to shine. If plans change at the last minute because of a child-based emergency, don’t show irritation. Instead, offer to be of assistance, and assure your date that the evening can be made up another time. Remember that your date was also looking forward to time out with you, but this is their child, and that last thing you want to do is make them feel guilty for putting their child first. Some of you will deal with a situation in which the child deliberately manipulates the parent and possibly works to sabotage your relationship. They may see you as trying to take the place of the other parent, and this raises their defenses. If you can assure the child that you are not trying to adopt the role of their parent, great. If however, the situation is volatile, try to stay out of the conflict as much as possible, and simply show support and understanding toward your dating partner. You can gently suggest counseling, or buy books that discuss the same situation, but do your best not to get embroiled in the mess. In these cases, it’s probably not you that is the issue. The child probably has unresolved anger that needs to be released. As the relationship grows, your role in the household will also grow, and you will begin to feel more comfortable vocalizing dissention. Hopefully, you’ve shown maturity and thoughtfulness when dealing with the child up to this point, and your opinion can be valued. In addition, if you’ve made an effort to really get to know the child, and have spent quality time with him/her, then you have, hopefully, become an important role model in the child’s life. This is truly a gift, and one that you should revere. To have a role of influence in the development of another human being is one of life’s greatest gifts. Optimally, you will have the opportunity to play this role in the lives of your own children, but showing genuine concern and understanding toward a partner and their children, shows a truly loving and selfless character.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles Common Interests

Are they a make or break?

It’s an age-old dilemma.  If opposites attract, then why do we keep looking for a partner who shares our same interests?  Is it really so important that a couple enjoy the same activities and share the same likes/dislikes, or is it more exciting if each person can introduce the other to something new? Well, like most things in life, the truth lies somewhere in between.  I don’t think anyone can discount the thrill of meeting someone who shares your obsession of a particular genre of film or music, or with whom you can engage in hours of conversation over some obscure topic in which no one else seems interested. This is what finding a soulmate feels like, right? Well, yes. But a soulmate is also someone who encourages you to expand your comfort zone and experience new things.  Let’s face it, by this stage in your development, you’re probably pretty set in your lifestyle and have strong opinions about what does and doesn’t appeal to you.  So is this where you should limit your search? Absolutely not.  The main objective to find a partner whose values match your own.  This should be your main point of elimination. Analyze yourself and come up with a list of five value- based character traits that are simply not up for negotiation, and look first for those. Once this hurdle has been crossed, you can turn your attention to your individual interests. Even in this realm, you can learn a lot about a person’s underlying value system. Say you are a fan of the opera, and your partner is addicted to trance music. Is this an impasse? Not at all. The key is how willing each of you is to opening your minds and experiencing the interests of the other. Do you make the effort to listen to his trance music, and learn how this particular genre speaks to him? Does he surprise you with tickets to the opera, and seem willing to share the experience with you? It may not lead to either of you thoroughly enjoying the other’s taste, but the loving act of trying to understand what appeals to the other will lead to a more open and secure relationship.  If, however, only one of you (or neither of you) makes an effort to discover more about what makes your partner tick by engaging them in discussions about their particular interests, then this shows a self-centeredness and lack of growth that most likely will permeate the entire relationship.

This reflects a value system that is lacking in maturity and ability to thoroughly love the other person. The bottom line is, if you find a person whom you can respect and love, then open yourself up to new interests and experiences, and try to discover more about your partner through the subjects that appeal to him/her. And if there are some activities in which you just cannot conjure an interest, then as long as they are not harmful to the relationship, accept them as part of who this person is, and understand that finding someone with whom you share EVERY interest, is an unrealistic goal.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Half In, Half out. Dating while “separated”, is it a good idea?

If you’re dating in today’s landscape, it’s almost inevitable that you’re going to eventually be confronted with the opportunity to date someone who in the process of divorcing. In general, you should limit your search to a partner who is legally available, but what should you do if you meet someone with whom you have a real connection and the opportunity to build a real relationship, but he/she is not yet legally divorced? To put it as straightforward as possible, this can be some tricky stuff. Even couples who firmly believe that divorce is in everyone’s best interest, and have already agreed to keep things on a friendly basis, will still be dealing with a new set of emotions. For a man, divorce is often accompanied by a feeling of failure, even when the reasons for the divorce are genuine. This is a difficult time for everybody, and the accompanying stress and lifestyle change often puts additional pressure on a new relationship. If children are involved, custody issues may still be in flux and you may find that the time you hoped to spend with your new flame, is being consumed by his/her children.
It’s usually a better idea to wait until the dust has settled, the papers have been signed, and your potential partner has already settled and become comfortable in his/her new life before you start dating. Wait until your partner has become comfortable with their new environment and schedule, and you’ll find that fitting you into that life is a smoother transition. However, if you are already in a situation of dating a separated spouse, try to pull back a little and give your partner the space and patience to get through this difficult time. Though you may feel a bit neglected now, in the long run, your support and consideration will lend toward warmer feelings and a stronger relationship.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Finding True Love

The chances of finding your true love on line are almost as good as winning the lottery. Ask anyone that’s tried. Most won’t talk about it out of embarrassment. But if they do, you’d be shocked by their experiences. You’ll hear stories that sound crazy, stories that sound like they’re out of a movie, like they couldn’t really be true. But they are. You’ll hear of hours spent pouring through thousands of mind numbing on-line profiles. Or stories involving people showing up for “the date” that don’t look or act anything like the person on the profile. You’ll hear about the 20 year old photos and the loss of hair and teeth and the sudden appearance of 30 pounds. On-line dating is like a ticket to the twilight zone. So lets say you’re ready to throw caution to the wind and make a date to meet that potential someone special that you’ve met on-line. Both of you are enthusiastic, hopeful and ready to meet your match made in heaven. You both show up, you’re both well mannered, attractive, well spoken and well dressed. What happens? Nothing. No chemistry. Just disappointment and another wound to heal. Being single has never been more difficult. In reality finding your perfect match is not so easy. Some dating websites would lead you to believe that finding a mate can be accomplished through proven scientific or statistical means. The truth is matchmaking is not a science its an art, there is no logic to love.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Just how “perfect”… is perfect?

Tall, dark, and… handsome? Would you be wiling to settle for just one out of three? Or are you like most of us out there whose “shopping list” gets longer and wider as we hopelessly scour the globe for our b’sheret?

When we think in terms of our ideal partner, our supposed perfect match, we tend to set the bar very high. In fact, we set it so high, that we don’t believe we’ll ever reach it. We set out with an image – a preconceived idea of that perfect “10″. We picture the handsome knight, the white horse, and the fair maiden in the tower. This scenario may work well on the big screen, but life as we know it, is messy. It’s filled with endless expectations, disappointments, and then – we get stuck.

So how do we define our perfect match? How do we really know just ‘what’ and ‘who’ we’re looking for? Why not start from the beginning? Start from who you know and what you know best. And ultimately, that’s YOU. Be brave and be honest – and make a list. Make a list of YOUR qualities, flaws, character traits, your highs and your lows. You’re honest, fun-loving, dependable, romantic, social, physically active, and spiritual. You’re head-strong, independent, stubborn, and you like to get what you want. Is this really you? After all, exactly how we perceive ourselves is the message we send out there. Now ask yourself: “Do I still expect to find someone who’s exactly like me in every conceivable way?”

Our search for short-term perfection is often… short-lived. What we thought we wanted in our 20s, is certainly not what we want (nor what we deserve!) in our 40s. We make attempts to find a soul mate that is most like, well… us. We assume that for every attribute we have, our partner must have, at the very least, the same. But for every flaw or shortcoming we readily admit to, we don’t dare hope to find it in someone else.

Be fair to yourself. Don’t set the bar too high. But don’t settle for second best either. Know that what you might consider to be your ideal match at the dinner table won’t necessarily be so ideal… after breakfast. Don’t think of who you would like to be with, but rather, what qualities you truly want. As we get a little older, and with any luck, a little wiser, we can and should be honest with ourselves. Don’t compromise on your integrity, but do trust your better judgment. Sharpen your negotiating skills and be prepared to negotiate and find that comfortable middle ground – where you can both laugh at yourselves and each other. After all, your ideal match can and will only be as perfect… as you are.

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Is the photo worth 1000 words… and 1000 miles?

You Get what you See

You are brave. Yes, you are! You’ve decided to take the plunge and render yourself helpless to a local matchmaker – in search of your “beshert”. The process seems harmless enough – submit a photo, complete a simple questionnaire, describe your perfect mate – and wait patiently for that “Hi, it’s me!” email in your inbox. What if you decide to tempt fate and consider meeting someone from a different state, or even from a different country? What happens then?

Here’s where those all too trusting photographs come into play. You think about “extracting” your ex-husband and sending your wedding photo from 1985. You consider that great shot from your last ski trip in Colorado, but you’re wearing goggles and a Mickey Mouse hat! You ask yourself how you’re going to hide those recent age spots, hints of gray hair and those strategically located “love handles” so you can effectively market your “goods” online?

First rule of thumb – don’t hide it – flaunt it! For many of us, it’s a frightening proposition. You mean, submit “real” photos? Show complete and utter strangers what I really look like? My advice to you is – yes. More often than not, online dating photos are hardly ever recent. Some are touched-up, easy to do with simple graphics software. Blondes are not exactly blonde (are they ever?), and men you viewed online with a full head of hair, show up at the airport to greet you – as they like to say “gently coiffed”, when in fact, they are completely bald!

Unlike online dating sites, matchmakers – the good matchmakers out there, meet their clients face-to-face. After a careful screening process and a personal interview, they request numerous photographs, not just one, and together, they choose the best ones – and the “real” ones. When your desired “match” is not in the same city, and you’re left to your own devices – your imagination, instinct, and better judgment, you have to trust the photos you receive. My advice to my clients before you catch that Red-Eye to New York or venture across the Atlantic for that first date, request more photos from that man or woman across the miles. Family photos are great. Recent vacations or even office photos will give you a real sense of who you’re emailing or talking to on the phone.

I’ve had clients who’ve managed this with considerable success, but know that it’s a two-way street. You can’t ask without being prepared to deliver. Some of my clients are baffled by their matches who refuse to send more photos. When asked, I always advise both sides to comply. After all, our best decisions are made when we have the best possible information. If you’re considering the girl next door – or the boy across the ocean, and if you have a keen sense that this match may just be “the one”, take a closer look. More often than not, my clients are pleasantly surprised that what they see (and liked), is really… what they get.

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles= Jewish Matchmaker

Definition of a Jewish Matchmaker

A Jewish Matchmaker working from Jerusalem

match·mak·er – NOUN: One who arranges or tries to arrange marriages, while “matchmaking” is any process of introducing people for the purposes of dating and mating, usually in the context of marriage.

Well, there you have it – clearly defined in black and white. But is the art of matchmaking really all that simple? And if it is, then why isn’t there a matchmaker on every corner in every town? Jewish matching is as much a part of our culture and our history, as say, gefilte fish and chicken soup. But professional Jewish matchmaking is a business… a business of the heart. If my own heart was not in it, successfully finding and matching “true life partners” would be nothing more than words in a best-selling romance novel.

I have been a professional matchmaker for many years. Based in Jerusalem, Israel, I often wonder if it’s my close proximity to God, to the Jewish faith, or that this has been and still is… my true calling. For me, it’s more than a “day job” – I work ’round the clock, poised in front of my computer, matching Jewish hearts and souls from all four corners of the globe. And I cannot help but think my inspiration, conviction and dedication comes from the fact that the view from my office window is that of the Old City of Jerusalem.

Matchmaking has always been and still is quite professionalized, but the role of the Jewish matchmaker has become so commercialized, especially with dating services, the Internet, and online dating websites. Once upon a time, we were thought of as essential advisors who helped in finding the “right” spouses, since matchmakers had connections and a relation of good faith with families who were their clients.

And here I am centuries later – in Jerusalem, the spirit of the Jewish world, and this still remains the foundation and the strength of my business. I am often asked, “How do I choose a matchmaker? Is it based on her successful record, recommendations from friends, number of years in the business?” My answer to this is always… “All of the above!” But in fact, it’s so much more. My colleagues and competitors, as many of them are, promote their services through TV and radio interviews, flashy Internet sites, and the promise of finding your “beshert” in less than 30 days, often with a money-back guarantee.

I am uniquely different, and with that, so is my approach to love, partnership, and marriage. Simply put, while others are investing in marketing and public relations, I work – and I work hard. Making a match is no simple task, and finding a life partner is more than acquainting two people based on looks, likes and dislikes, financial status, or even location. I am committed to my clients as if they were my own family or close friends. My first task, and the most important part of the process, is getting to know them, virtually or face-to-face, and often, I have the pleasure of both. I ask one hundred questions (or more), and I never make an introduction without receiving 100 answers.

I will only work with clients who are, themselves, truly committed to finding a life partner. I don’t only offer a service, I offer advice, counseling, and an open door based on experience and a genuine commitment – so much a part of who I am as a person. So, if you’re ready to find “your life partner” and you’re thinking about consulting a real Jewish matchmaker, choose wisely. Be prepared to open your heart. For once you do, a real Jewish matchmaker will do the same for you.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: The Second Date ”Debate”

 

Picture the scene. You got up the nerve to tell your best girlfriend “yes” – that you would gladly meet her second cousin, Max, the one from the engagement party six months ago who thought you were just adorable, but he was on the tail end of a nasty divorce… And now that Max is free, you surrendered your phone number and agreed to meet him for that incredible, but more often than not, awkward… first date.

After a few pleasantries over the phone, you agreed to meet Max at a local café the following evening. Donned in “black” (forever safe for a first date!), you follow the rules, arrive early, and wait at an empty table facing the entrance. Max appears in the distance, somewhat shorter and a somewhat balder than you care to remember. He approaches and gives you a welcoming hug and a smothering kiss on the cheek. The conversation is polite. You ask the proverbial “Twenty Questions” and learn that Max is currently unemployed, living with his mother, still not quite divorced, and as he readily admits, has been banned from leaving the country, the result of overdue child support. And all this in the first fifteen minutes!

The time passes ever so slowly, when in fact you realize that you’re not the least bit attracted to Max. When he caresses your shoulder, you shudder. When he tells you have nice teeth, you wonder if you put enough money in the parking meter. And when asks that daunting question, “Can I see you again?” you quickly ask the waiter for the check!

Many people find it difficult to open up emotionally, especially on a first date. We tend to resort to “safe” dialog, the typical Q&A that revolves around work, education, hobbies, tales of the “x”, our children’s play dates, and if we’re lucky enough, the conversation will lead to something meaningful, like… favorite colors, favorite pets, and “So, who did you vote for?” But more often than not, we spend most of the first date… thinking about the prospects of a second date. Making the leap takes a combination of personal readiness, the right partner, and the right circumstances, but how do we know who is really “worthy” of that second date?

Does the old adage “you never get a second chance to make a first impression” speak volumes? If you have to debate that second date, don’t! Don’t plan that second outfit, don’t reserve that corner table, and don’t invest in that new pair of shoes! And try and remember what you felt when Max, or any of the countless other Maxes made their entrance. If you checked your lipstick only once and if your heart was not a flutter; if you dabbled in would-be conversation from across the table and from across the miles – then surely, you knew. Trust yourself… first – and rely on your basic instincts… second. And don’t debate… that second date.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

3 Reasons to Ditch Standard Jewish Online Dating

Dating Online

Do you waste time browsing Jewish online dating services? Here are 3 great reasons why you should ditch Jewish dating websites and try something new.

I’m 29 years old, a successful entrepreneur, athletically fit, attractive and looking for a partner who will enjoy traveling the world, eating at fancy restaurants and watching the sunset over the ocean.

OK, I’m really 34, my business is only mildly successful, and I’ve put on a few pounds from all the stress. But you don’t know that, since you’ve only met me online. And herein lies the problem with Jewish online dating- you just never know what you’re gonna get (hmm…Kinda reminds me of Forrest Gump!). It’s easy for people to embellish their online profiles, to upload outdated pictures and to say what they think potential suitors will want to hear. Frustrations with Jewish dating online are rampant- Jewish singles are tired of searching and searching, only to find out that their ‘prince charming’ is actually not charming at all. You probably don’t need any more reasons to ditch standard Jewish dating websites, but I’ll give you three more anyway- as well as some helpful suggestions that can make the Jewish dating process a pleasure rather than a pain in the you-know-where.

Jewish Dating Websites are Big Time Wasters- While we all know some people who sit at home all night with nothing to do, most of us like to think that we have a bit more of a social life (or, at the very least, a professional life). Who has time to browse thousands of profiles in search of that needle in a haystack? With multiple pages to read for each interesting profile, Jewish online dating can take hours, if not weeks or years- and wouldn’t you rather be dating than searching for dates? Fortunately, a professional Jewish matchmaker has the time needed to pursue your perfect partner. The right Jewish matchmaker will weed out all of the thorns, so that all you’re left with is enjoyable, enriching dates.

Writing That Profile is Hard Work! Nobody likes to complement themselves or explain why they’d make a suitable partner. When browsing Jewish dating websites, you’re likely to come across the guy who thinks he’s a comedian, the one who thinks he’s God’s gift to women, and possibly even the one who thinks he’s God. But is that the information that you really want to know? Wouldn’t you rather know who the person is from a reputable source, someone who has met him in person, or, at the very least, spoken to him at length? Jewish matchmakers are trained to analyze personalities and create a keen understanding of who their clients are, so that they can provide honest, accurate assessments of each potential match. Now doesn’t that sound more honest than any online profile you’ve ever read?

Safety and Security- You may not want to admit it to out loud, but it’s something that you’ve probably thought about countless times before- how do you know that your Internet suitor isn’t a stalker or pervert? You don’t, but you’re guessing that he (or she) is probably somewhat decent, since you’ve been emailing him for a few weeks and he seems normal. In all honesty though, you don’t know if your potential suitor is an axe murder any more than you know whether I’m REALLY 29. Enlisting the help of a Jewish matchmaker is an easy way to know with certainty that your date will not be dangerous (and hopefully he won’t be horrible either). Those who turn to a Jewish matchmaker for help are those who are serious about finding a partner and those who are really looking for quality mates (believe me, I know!) So stop leaving your safety to chance, and do something proactive to ensure as safe and successful Jewish dating experience.

For the record, it should be noted that not all people who create online profiles are liars or criminals. There are definitely hundreds (if not thousands) of honest Jewish singles represented online. Some of them may even by my clients as well. But do you really want to take that chance, when you can avoid the hassles by going directly to a reputable source? I’ll leave that for you to decide….

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Excuses-Excuses!

Some advice from Sara the Matchmaker:

Some common interests are great, but don’t maintain your personalities be matchy-matchy. To be happy with your other half it is not a requirement that he/she loves all of the same things you do. Even a jazz-loving, vegan can find happiness with a hard rock ballad-crazy, romance novel-reading steak lover. Its all about values my friends. As long as you have shared values and your personalities click, go for it. At least get to know more about him/her.

Don’t lie!

Saying that you own the whole building when you actually are the janitor, is a nu nu nu. . You’ll never find the perfect person for you if you’re pretending to be someone else. Saying that you don’t smoke and going out smelling like an old ashtray is another nu nu nu.

Just as you should be honest, expect the same from your date. If they are evasive or seem to be holding back on questions you have, don’t be afraid to push a little for more satisfying answers.”

No good telephone?

I have sent you his/her photo and profile, you get in touch, you whip out a few intriguing emails, and when you’re full of beans with anticipation, you schedule that first magical phone call. And it’s, um, odd. Suddenly, you don’t have as much to talk about. Where have all the sparks gone? One telephone conversation and you’ve hit the skids? Never fear, and go ahead and make that date anyway. ‘’Most men don’t usually like to chit-chat as much as women do… so don’t read too much into a bad phone call.” I have hundreds of stories of clients who got married after I insisted they met even though the telephone was not that good!

Stay tuned, I am coming back with more

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles ” No No ”

For the Jewish singles dads and mums
What about the kids knowing ? What’s to know !
They think we’re dead ? Nah,
Especially, if the date is Jewish. They’ll see continuity, belonging,commonality.

Ladies, seize the day! When you feel that you may have good chemistry with a guy, for goodness sakes, ASK HIM OUT! My last girlfriend asked me out. I was totally flattered and excited. Keep in mind, only two percent of people in the US are Jewish, only 1% is the opposite sex, and to find that person in your generation–wow the odds are tough. So, see a sexy Jewish dude–don’t be shy–ask em’ out.

Be honest! come on, say it if you want to go home and say it if you are having a good time!
One thing that I have learned is that it does both people a lot more good if they are out-right honest with each other–within reason. If you’re not having a good time on a date, say so. Be nice about it of course, but say something. You never know, that could be the icebreaker needed to get you to actually talk to each other.

Having a shower and being well groomed is not ”pass`e”…

I know it may sound petty, but I find it quite insulting when my date – (first time or otherwise) – does not show me the courtesy of arriving to our meeting clean and well groomed. Could you imagine, a guy I met (only once, of course) showed up to our evening dinner date holding his briefcase in one hand, and a doggie-bag with leftover lunch goodies in the other?

Yes!! be yourself but :

Do….. be yourself on the date. Act as crazy as you normally are.
Remember that she wants to have fun, just like you do. Plan a fun date.

Don’t …… try to be more yeshivishe than you are. Leave the costume (hat, jacket, gemara) at home.

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Don’t ask No-Win Questions

Perhaps one of the most tempting reason to try to control your other half is to get reassurance/

Does she/he like me?

Does this relationship have a future?

Does he/she think I am attractive?

WE all feel vulnerable in a new relationship because we don’t know where we stand. Asking them one of these questions, however, is an unfair step. Worse still, asking such questions puts an unnecessary strain on a relation that has just started. Its like urging a child to become a doctor when she enters kindergarten.

So, relax and surrender. The less urgent you feel about getting their reassurance, the most attractive you will be.

Jewish Singles:Reading Between the Lines- Judging Your Date’s Level of Interest

Reading Between the Lines- Judging Your Date’s Level of Interest

Okay, so you’ve been dating for a while- well, at least a week or two, and it seems like your new squeeze is into you, but how can you know for sure? Easy, pay attention- not to what he/she is saying, but to what he/she is asking. That’s right. If someone is really into you, they want to know all about you and they want you to know that they want to know. So they ask questions and they show interest, and they really are interested in what you think and what’s going on in your life.

It’s true that they may not ask you deeply personal questions at the start (they don’t want to offend you or be too intrusive), but they will definitely ask you about your day, and what you do at work, and why you and your sister got into a fight on the telephone this morning. This is all part of the normal process of getting to know someone and determining just how compatible the two of you are.

A big red flag is when you notice that he/she is doing all the talking about their day- and never asking about yours. Or maybe every time you start to tell a story about yourself and your life, they quickly turn the conversation around so they are the topic again. If this is happening to you, don’t ignore the signs and tell yourself that “she just likes to talk” or “my stories are boring him”. Yes, there are people who are chatty and have a habit of dominating the conversation, but even chatty people understand that it’s not all about them. And if that chatty person is digging you, then they’ll make it a point to shut up and listen too.

And don’t be surprised if the relationship fizzles out pretty early, or if you end up getting dumped and wondering what happened because you thought “everything was going great!” Believe me; if your date isn’t showing much interest in your life, then everything is not going great. You’re either dealing with a serious egomaniac or just a selfish, immature person whose reason for being with you is not because they are planning anything long term.

Of course, you can’t force someone to be interested in you, nor should you try. It’s simply a good sign that you need to move on and find someone who is interested in a relationship with YOU.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles:Goodbye Computer Dating = Hello Jewish Matchmaker

Jewish online dating has completely integrated itself into normalcy, and is no longer viewed upon with suspicion or relegated to “losers”. These days, if you’re Jewish and you’re single- odds are your photo and profile are posted on at least one of the many available sites. Question is- is it working? More and more Jewish singles are finding that it isn’t.

A growing problem with online dating is that members are using it just for that- dating. It’s a revolving door of singles with few of the members actually interested in getting married. Why should they be? With the numbers of potential partners to choose from, you can go out with someone different every night of the week. If you’re actually hoping to find your perfect match and marry, you’re going to have a tough time weeding through the playboys (and playgirls) to find sincerity.

Speaking of sincerity, have you noticed how much deceit is running through those profiles? It’s the perfect venue to re-invent yourself- with the emphasis on “invent”. Pick an age- any age, you don’t have to be honest about it- and many aren’t. And what about those photos? Have you met anyone for the first time that actually looks like the photo they posted? If so, consider yourself lucky. And if they look better than their photo- consider yourself blessed. It doesn’t happen often. Many times, the photo was taken a number of years before. I’ve seen high school graduation photos posted for men in their 50’s. How does it happen that they’ve got a digital photo from high school but can’t seem to find anything recent?

For those who are truly serious about finding someone with whom they want to spend the rest of their life, online dating just isn’t fitting the bill. Many of my clients come to me completely burnt out on the internet scene and ready to set serious and get busy with finding their soul mate. It’s a serious business- one of the most important decisions of your life- and it should be approached seriously. My service isn’t a dating service, it’s a marriage service. I propose one match at a time and until you decide “yay” or “nay” on that match, I don’t send another. It is important to keep an open mind and be willing to at least speak to a potential match on the phone before you completely disregard him/her based on a short profile and photo- but the process does continue through the course of your contract and the intent is to find your lifelong partner.

Fun and games? You can definitely find that online. A partner with whom to share the ups and downs of life and love and to stand by your side through thick and thin? Ahhhh, that requires more than a revolving monthly fee and a cute moniker, it requires focus and sincerity- and in the case of Jewish matchmaking- an insightful shadchanite whose joy comes from matching two souls who might have found each other without her help.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Shut Your Mouth – what you shouldn’t reveal on a first date.

“You never get a second chance to make a first impression” is nowhere more applicable than on that nerve-wracking first date. In this world of online Jewish dating and Jewish matchmaking, if you’ve made it past the horrific photo and profile screening and actually scored a genuine face-to-face encounter, you should consider yourself lucky. Getting to date #2, however, is not a given, and your behavior now

Matchmaker

just might be the make-or-breaker.

Obviously you’ve dressed appropriately and gussied yourself up to show off your best physical assets, and hopefully your conversation will reveal some shared interests between you and your date. But just how much do you disclose about yourself and your personal history? Let’s make it simple and cover the five topics you should NEVER mention on a first date under ANY circumstances. Is that clear enough?

1) Past Relationships: Asking if your date has ever been married is a legitimate question, but that’s where it should end. At this point you don’t need to know the who, what, why, and how of that relationship. And you don’t need to provide this information about yourself either. This advice also applies to anyone you have ever dated. Do not discuss these relationships and most of all- do not BASH your ex (or ex’s). Nothing is less appealing than someone who is still so bitter that they feel the need to trash-talk an ex. Given the fact that there must have been something about the person that attracted you in the first place, if you trash talk them now it only makes you appear to possess either bad judgment (why did you date them in the first place?) or confirm that you’re still hung up on them. Neither of these conclusions places you in a positive light.

1) Medical Issues: Wanna put your date in a squeamish state of mind? Start talking about the rash you developed at the beginning of summer, or how the doctor keeps upping your Prozac dosage. Or maybe you prefer to launch into a discussion of how Siamese twins runs in your family or how there seems to be a history of dementia on your mother’s side. Believe me, medical issues are not to be shared on the first date. In fact, you may be better served by keeping these beauties under cover until you’ve returned from the honeymoon.

2) Family Problems: Giving your brother the ten-year silent treatment? Hate your sister and think her kids are holy terrors? Well, you may have a point, but if you want to give the impression that you’d make a great spouse and an even better parent, you probably don’t want to reveal the fact that you can’t even get along with members of your immediate flesh and blood. You also don’t need to get into the difficulties your Aunt Shifra is having getting pregnant or discuss the exploits of that scandalous womanizer- your Great-Uncle Moishe.

3) Money Woes: The whole neighborhood is whispering about your past-due credit cards and the local mini-market has your bounced check stapled near their cash register, but if you’ve scored this date, he/she might be the one person in town who doesn’t yet know you can’t balance your checkbook. Please, don’t be the one who breaks the news. Steer away from all money topics including how much you earn, your clever trick of paying the minimum on your credit cards with other credit cards, and your entrepreneurial method of selling food stamps on EBAY for gas money. Oh, and don’t ask your date for their salary quote either.

4) Religion and/or Politics: Briefly disclosing that you’re more liberal than right-wing, or that you follow a Modern-Orthodox stream of Judaism rather than Reconstructionist isn’t a bad thing. As a matter of fact, aside from the inexplicable love between hard-core democrat James Carville and Mary Matalin- his Republican Consultant of a wife, I would venture to say that being on common religious and political ground is going to make your bond stronger. Unleashing two terms of pent-up aggression towards the Bush administration and that fiasco in Iraq over your fat-free cappuccino, however, is not the way to forge it. Religion and Politics are touchy subjects for everyone no matter what their beliefs and you’re probably not going to agree on every facet, so let’s leave this alone for now. Once you’ve gone out a few more times and your date is aware that you’re not a fanatical republican-hating, love bead wearing, anti-war hippie throwback.

Relocate For Love- are you up to the challenge?

In these modern days of Jewish internet dating and Jewish Matchmaking, many potential partners live in separate cities, separate states and sometimes separate countries. One of the first questions a matchmaker will ask is “are you willing to relocate?” For many, this can be a loaded question. Of course you want to find the right match with whom you hope to live a long and happy life, but on the other hand, you’re probably well established with a career, friends, and possibly even family already in your area. Do you really want to uproot yourself and start all over again in a new location? It’s a question with no easy answers and may require that you do a little soul-searching.
What are your priorities in life? Have you made your job your number one priority? Have you made your friends your number one priority? Family, of course, is another matter. If you have an ex-spouse and you share custody of children, then making a move to a distance locale may not be in the best interest of everyone involved and it may be that you simply don’t wish to sacrifice the relationship that your children have with either you or your ex-spouse. That is a completely legitimate reason to stay put. If, however, you are reluctant to move because you want to stay close to your parents or your siblings, then you may not be taking marriage seriously enough. The Torah states in Genesis “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife…” This is a clear statement. One is to leave the safety and comfort of his/her childhood environment and forge a new bond with their spouse.

Life and love are really all about priorities. The adage “you can have it all” is a fallacy. Very few people, if any, “have it all”. Life is actually not about “having it all”. Life is more about deciding what is most important to you and having that. The result will be a happy life, not one that pulls you in a million different directions and leaves you unfulfilled in all of them. If marriage and family are priorities in your life, then you commit yourself to do what it takes to have a successful marriage and happy family- if your career is most important or your friends are most important, then it’s a given that your marriage and family will suffer. Be daring, take a chance; show that you are committed to the success of a personal relationship. You will find another job; you will make new friends, and you’ll be doing both with the support and love of the wonderful person whom you never would have met if you had stayed where you were.

So, next time you’re faced with the question of “are you willing to relocate?” Take a deep breath and vow to commit yourself to the cause of finding your Jewish soulmate. Just say “yes”.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com

In The Stars- Astrology and Jewish Dating

Given that Jewish tradition prohibits seeking guidance from soothsayers and fortune tellers, does astrology have a place Jewish dating? Well, if taken in the right vein, it can have some benefits. Astrology has its advocates and its opponents, and both views are correct. Certainty living your life and making major decisions based upon an astrologically-based forecast is careless and really has no place in a healthy Jewish relationship or marriage. Utilizing astrology as a tool to help you better understand your partner and help strengthen the union, however, can be one of the many ways in which a Jewish relationship can be improved.
Many couples find themselves repeating the same arguments and visiting the same issues over and over again, and each side tries to convince the other of the “rightness” of their own view. Maybe the issue is finances, for example, and you can’t seem to make your partner understand that value of weighing each purchase and limiting spending. You can argue until you’re blue in the face trying to get him/her to see your side of the issue and confirm to the behavior that you feel is “right”, but the fact is, you may be dealing with an astrological personality focused less on thrift and more on comfort and you will never change that aspect of them. So, you can either continue arguing the point for the life of your relationship, or you can try to understand that the two of you have different points of view and different behaviors and you adjust your reaction to work with that knowledge.
The best use of astrology in a Jewish relationship is to research your partner’s sign, looking for those characteristics that actually do manifest themselves in his/her personality and when you see them rising up and affecting the relationship, instead of trying to change the person, you simply understand that their behavior is in no way an attempt to undermine you or the relationship, it is simply part of their personality and your understanding of that personality will make your relationship stronger.
Let me provide a couple examples: I have a Capricorn friend and one aspect of Capricorn is that they tend to be strong decision makers and confident in the decisions they make. She is dating a Libra man. Libra is known for his indecisiveness. Obviously, decision-making is a frequent issue in this relationship. If my friend wasn’t aware that Libra needs balance in their life, and that his indecision stems from that need to weigh every possible angle before reaching a conclusion, she could spend her energy (and lots of frustrated emotion) trying to get him to be more immediately decisive. But since she knows this particular astrological aspect is alive and well in him, she gives him the time and space to reach a conclusion on his own and only applies some pressure if it’s really a decision that needs to be immediately made. He, in turn, understands that her nature is to make firm decisions relatively quickly, so he understands that she will get impatient with him at times, and he works to make decisions in a timelier manner. But neither of them yells at the other, or starts arguments based upon this difference, because they have both taken the time to understand that there IS a difference and to work with it instead of against it.
Another friend is a typical Virgo. She likes to plan everything in advance and doesn’t respond well to surprises. She is dating an Aries- one who exemplifies the Aries trait of spontaneity. They had a rocky start because Aries would call her and want to get together on the spur of the moment, and this was quite disruptive to the scheduled life that Virgo prefers. So although she wanted to spend time with him, she preferred a little advance notice. Once they both realized that their “earth” and “fire” traits were conflicting, they decided to work with them instead of against. He is now aware that she prefers to plan things in advance so he doesn’t get offended if she declines, and she is more open to accepting his spontaneous invitations and tries to say “yes” more often than not.
The true message in all of this is that as long as you understand and accept the personality traits of your partner- without negativity and blame- you can build a strong relationship regardless of whether or not the Zodiac charts say you make a good match.
For a little more insight into basic astrological personalities, check out this information from an online reference:
“The twelve zodiac signs are divided into four groups- Fire, Earth, Water and Air. The Fire signs – Aries, Leo, Sagittarius- are warm, enthusiastic and outgoing. They have excess energy, which keeps them going. Other signs must often create boundaries in order to prevent the fire signs from absorbing all the resources and space in the vicinity. Fire signs are usually quite unaware of the effects of their massive energy. When they reach a clearly defined edge drawn by another sign, they rarely take offense, and readily move in another direction. The fire signs are very intuitive and rely heavily on an element of luck, which seems to be always with them. Fires often attract Earths to stabilize and center them. The Earth signs – Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn- are usually solid and dependable, just as the ground beneath us. They are gifted at manifestation in the concrete world and take pleasure in finding useful purposes for everything. Earth signs are natural recyclers. The Earth signs are often focused on material production. They get caught in repetitive routines and forget to use their imagination. Earths frequently attract fire signs into their lives to provide an element of excitement and change. But the ‘Earth Sign’ must deal with anxiety and unpredictability of ‘Fire Sign’. Air signs – Gemini, Libra and Aquarius move constantly, like the wind. Even if the body appears to be still, the mind of an Air Sign is racing from one thing to another. They are generally talkative and tend to be winners in games of Trivial Pursuit. The ‘Air Signs’ develop their social skills early in life. They find it difficult to make commitments because they feel there are far more possibilities unexplored. Though Airs have lightning quick mental ability, they struggle in the world of emotions. Air Signs are usually unable to discuss about emotions and need support when encountering deep feelings and past memories. That is why they are prone to attract Water Signs who more naturally breathe in emotional pools. Water Signs – Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces live in pools of emotions and the range of their dispositions moves readily from an ice storm to placid river to hot spring. Waters love the comforts of home and family. They have compassionate instincts and are drawn to care for whomever or whatever seems weakened, defective or on the losing side. Water Signs are natural when they deal with the world of feeling and are rarely frightened by any emotion they encounter. Air Signs and Water Signs are mutually attracted. Water Signs need help in the world of logic and reason. They bond well with verbal Air Signs.”

Jewish Dating- Are You Living in a Fantasy World?

As a Jewish matchmaker, I have seen all kinds of clients:those who are very serious about finding their Jewish soulmate- and those who are not. Funny thing, the ones who are more interested in simply getting married, and not so focused on finding their soulmate sometimes have the more difficult time. The issue is this. If you are serious about finding your soulmate, then you are aware that your soulmate may not come in a custom-designed “package” of specifications. Maybe they are taller (or shorter) than you imagine. Or maybe they are a few years older (or younger) than you imagine. Maybe your soulmate is a blond, even though you usually prefer brunettes, or maybe your soulmate has been married and divorced, or has a child- whereas you wanted someone who had never been married. The point is, your true soulmate, the person who is most suited to be your partner for life- can be completely the opposite of what you expect, and if you are serious about finding your real soulmate, then you must open up your list of “preferences” and be willing to meet people with whom you might initially not see the compatibilities. The fact that your eyes and your heart are wide open to a variety of different people who might not fit a physical or experiential “mold” will give you the best opportunity to stumble upon one of G-d’s greatest gifts to us, the gift of our true Jewish besherte (soulmate).

Those seekers who limit their options of a mate to very specific age, height, appearance, education, and profession criteria, are clearly NOT concerned about finding their perfect match, they are more concerned about finding someone that fits their physical image of their fantasy man (or woman), and that person is obviously going to have a more difficult time finding a partner because, well let’s face it, you can ask your Jewish matchmaker to only match you up with women who look like Angelina Jolie, but my experience has shown me that unless you also look like Brad Pitt, Ms. Angelina is not going to be interested in meeting you. The same is true with age specifications. I had a 56yr. old male client who arrived to my office in a wheelchair and proceeded to tell me that he only wanted to meet slender, attractive women in their 30’s. Now, what do you think? Do you think we would have been successful? Absolutely not. Slender, attractive women in their 30’s are interested in slender attractive men, and although they may well consider someone in their 40’s, odds are that they will not be interested in a man who is nearing 60.

The conclusion to this is simply that although we would love our perfect match to also be our fantasy, marriage isn’t about fantasy. Marriage is work, and investing time, attention, consideration, and compromise into a partnership that will endure years of stress, struggle, and outside tensions. If you are not with the person who is best suited for you spiritually, then you will never make it. Oh, you might hang in there without divorcing, but you will not be happy. Neither of you will. The best modus operandi for someone who is truly seeking their Jewish soulmate is to first take a look at yourself and start working to make yourself a person who would be attractive to the person you seek. Next, broaden your options and stop limiting yourself to some cookie-cutter image of perfection that you will most likely never find. Open yourself up to meeting everyone that comes your way. Just meet them once. That’s all it takes for something real to be sparked, and you may find that your custom made Jewish partner is nothing like you originally envisioned, but exactly what you want and need.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish singles:Too Much Too Soon?

Jewish Dating Tips

Have you ever met someone with whom you really hit it off, only to have them come on so strong after your first meeting that you lost that feeling of attraction for them almost as quickly as you’d found it? Or maybe you’ve been the one who felt so immediately connected to someone that you scared them off with too much togetherness too soon? Even if you are hunting down your dates by utilizing Jewish online dating services or a personalized Jewish matchmaker, you should keep in mind that everyone (and i mean EVERYONE) likes a little bit of a chase at the beginning of a relationship- a little bit of uncertainty about how the other person feels about you- a little bit of missing that person- a little bit of evaluating your last conversation and weighing the silence between your next one and trying to figure out if he/she really likes you. Now I’m not talking about playing games, no one likes that. But you should understand that a little bit of angst and uncertainly and wondering when you’re going to see each other again can be good for a relationship. There’s an unspoken protocol during the first few weeks of Jewish dating that consists of a fine line between playing hard-to-get (which is old) and being desperate (which is scary). It’s courtesy to call your date the next day to say you had a great time and you’d like to go out again, but make your second date for at least a few days later and don’t call in between. Just let the days pass with both of you thinking about each other and anticipating your next moments together. After the second date, you should feel a bit more relaxed and able to call once or twice before you meet again, but don’t make it a daily habit and don’t try to schedule time together on a daily basis. That type of behavior should wait until the two of you have really decided that what you feel for each other has the potential to grow into something serious. I almost guarantee that if you start phoning every day and/or trying to plan time together every day right from the beginning, you will soon find yourself back on your own. I’ve seen it happen too many times- two people really hit it off and then one of them goes into overkill and completely squelches whatever feelings of attraction they sparked in the other.

If all this is hitting close to home and you find a pattern in your own life of meeting great potential mates, but following it up by coming on too strong, just take a step back and understand how your behavior may be chasing someone away. Relax. If you know that someone is into you, feel confident enough in that knowledge to allow them a little breathing room. Enjoy those priceless emotions that ignite when two people really have chemistry, and let the sparks grow into a long-lasting fire. Whatever you do, don’t smother the flames with too much, too soon.

Jewish Singles: Self-Sabotage, are you a victim?

The Jewish dating scene has been through many changes over the past five years, and the proliferation of self-service Jewish internet sites and individualized Jewish matchmaker services confirms this. But if everyone is searching for their soul mate, why are so few people actually finding that someone special? To determine if you are helping or hurting your chances of success ask yourself these questions:

(1) Does my list of required attributes focus on physical and material characteristics?
(2) Am I being unrealistic in my age specifications?
(3) Am I basing most of my decisions strictly on what the photo looks like?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you’re probably doing more harm than good in your search for a life partner. One way to test this theory is to think about your past relationships and ask yourself “If my first encounter with my ex had been a brief profile and a couple of photos, would I have agreed to meet him/her?” Odds are that you’ve had meaningful, deep relationships with people whom you never would have dated if you’d only seen a photo of them, but meeting them in person provides a 3D aspect of their personality, appearance, and essence, that you will never get in a photograph.

If you are serious about finding your soul mate, then you need to toss out all your requirements of age, height, salary, looks, and education, and focus on the qualities that are actually going to prove meaningful in your life with this person. Is he/she honest? Is he/she kind to others when not expecting something in return? Does he/she have the ability and desire to compromise on issues where the two of you might not agree? Do you feel comfortable around this person? Do you share the same values and lifetime goals? These are the attributes upon which you should concentrate, and once you’re focused on the important qualities, you’ll more easily spot them in others and ultimately in the one special person with whom you can also share a physical attraction.

Of course, determining if a person has these characteristics is impossible simply by reading a Jewish dating profile; you need to meet! So if you truly want to be successful at finding your perfect mate, you need to keep an open mind. If someone has taken the time to contact you (or if a Jewish matchmaker has determined that one of her clients might be a good match), be flexible enough to at least meet the person for a cup of coffee and see what they are like in flesh-and-blood form. Nothing is lost by showing the courtesy and flexibility to meet someone with whom you may actually end up connecting with, and everything is gained.
Remember, don’t put yourself so high up on a pedestal that you end up there all alone.

When a Jewish Single Enters the World of Jewish Dating…

On one hand, it’s pretty cool that there are so many venues within which Jewish singles can find potential matches. Among the most popular are Jewish online dating, Jewish dating services, Jewish matchmakers, and even SpeedDating, in which Jewish singles can meet for a few moments and attempt to sense whether there is any potential in the match. On the other hand, for the Jewish single, it may seem like there are as many Jewish dating venues as there are potential matches. How can one figure out which method of Jewish dating will be the most successful without spending time on trying them all?

Even in modern times, Jewish singles from across the religious spectrum are turning to career matchmakers to help find long-term relationships. Since before the time of Tevye, Jewish matchmakers have helped infinite numbers of Jewish singles find their matches by infusing thought, prescience and care into the search process in a way that technologically-driven Jewish dating options cannot. Career matchmakers understand their clients in the most profound and personal ways so that they can suggest matches that are more appropriate and exciting than those found through other venues. Likewise, Jewish matchmakers tend to take a vested interest in their clients, counseling them and advising them throughout the dating process when necessary.

Why waste time searching dozens of Jewish online dating services when you can spend time in a fulfilling relationship? Jewish matchmakers have been serving all sectors of the Jewish world for thousands of years, and there’s a reason why this old-fashioned art is still popular in the modern world. So don’t risk another regrettable blind date when you can start meeting appropriate suitors that are handpicked for you by a skilled Jewish matchmaker.

The Art of Jewish Dating

Over the past few years, I’ve met thousands of Jewish singles from across the globe.  Jewish singles from all walks of life and religious orientations, all looking for one thing: a soul mate, a spouse, a life-long companion.  As a professional matchmaker, I’ve learned to tell which Jewish singles are serious in their searches and which are just looking to have a good time.  I’ve discovered that many Jewish singles may be looking for that needle in a haystack, when what they’ve really wanted all along was the thumbtack that was hidden nearby.  Most importantly, I’ve found that Jewish dating is as much an art as much as it is a science- many friends, relatives and matchmakers can suggest a scientifically compatible match, but it takes a truly creative thinker to create a relationship infused with a meaning that goes beyond worldly compatibility.

In this blog, I hope to share with you the lessons that I’ve learned while working as a professional matchmaker for Jewish singles throughout the world.  I’d also like to share with you some personal lessons that I’ve learned in my own search for a soul mate.  Jewish dating may be a long and tiring process, but there ARE tips and secrets that can make the process easier for Jewish singles.  Sure, it may be easy to give up, to lose hope and to despair.  But as a career matchmaker, I can assure you that where there is a will, there is a way.  Your partner is out there, waiting to be found- all it takes is a bit of effort.

This blog is for Jewish American singles, Jewish European singles, and even Jewish matchmakers who want to know that they are not alone in their search for a soul mate.  I welcome the opportunity to hear your own tips for Jewish dating and survival as a Jewish single, so that others can benefit from your experiences.  After all, there is no better way to learn than through personal experiences.