Jewish Singles: Dating a Single Parent

Who Takes Priority?

The longer you wait to marry, the greater the odds that you will be dating someone who is already married, divorced, and with children. Though some clients won’t consider dating someone with children, most of them realize that at a certain age, it’s almost inevitable, and with maturity, wisdom, love, and humor, it can turn out to have some very rewarding benefits. First of all, be aware that especially at the beginning of the relationship, children are going to take precedence over you, and that’s perfectly normal. One of the most important things a divorced parent can do is to create a stable environment in an instable situation. Divorce shakes up a child’s sense of stability, but if it is handled properly, the child regains their stability and securely builds upon the new reality. When the parent is dating, the child must see that his/her needs still take precedence, and this should continue until you are a permanent fixture in the equation. You need to be understanding and flexible in this situation, and realize that this is your chance to shine. If plans change at the last minute because of a child-based emergency, don’t show irritation. Instead, offer to be of assistance, and assure your date that the evening can be made up another time. Remember that your date was also looking forward to time out with you, but this is their child, and that last thing you want to do is make them feel guilty for putting their child first. Some of you will deal with a situation in which the child deliberately manipulates the parent and possibly works to sabotage your relationship. They may see you as trying to take the place of the other parent, and this raises their defenses. If you can assure the child that you are not trying to adopt the role of their parent, great. If however, the situation is volatile, try to stay out of the conflict as much as possible, and simply show support and understanding toward your dating partner. You can gently suggest counseling, or buy books that discuss the same situation, but do your best not to get embroiled in the mess. In these cases, it’s probably not you that is the issue. The child probably has unresolved anger that needs to be released. As the relationship grows, your role in the household will also grow, and you will begin to feel more comfortable vocalizing dissention. Hopefully, you’ve shown maturity and thoughtfulness when dealing with the child up to this point, and your opinion can be valued. In addition, if you’ve made an effort to really get to know the child, and have spent quality time with him/her, then you have, hopefully, become an important role model in the child’s life. This is truly a gift, and one that you should revere. To have a role of influence in the development of another human being is one of life’s greatest gifts. Optimally, you will have the opportunity to play this role in the lives of your own children, but showing genuine concern and understanding toward a partner and their children, shows a truly loving and selfless character.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles Common Interests

Are they a make or break?

It’s an age-old dilemma.  If opposites attract, then why do we keep looking for a partner who shares our same interests?  Is it really so important that a couple enjoy the same activities and share the same likes/dislikes, or is it more exciting if each person can introduce the other to something new? Well, like most things in life, the truth lies somewhere in between.  I don’t think anyone can discount the thrill of meeting someone who shares your obsession of a particular genre of film or music, or with whom you can engage in hours of conversation over some obscure topic in which no one else seems interested. This is what finding a soulmate feels like, right? Well, yes. But a soulmate is also someone who encourages you to expand your comfort zone and experience new things.  Let’s face it, by this stage in your development, you’re probably pretty set in your lifestyle and have strong opinions about what does and doesn’t appeal to you.  So is this where you should limit your search? Absolutely not.  The main objective to find a partner whose values match your own.  This should be your main point of elimination. Analyze yourself and come up with a list of five value- based character traits that are simply not up for negotiation, and look first for those. Once this hurdle has been crossed, you can turn your attention to your individual interests. Even in this realm, you can learn a lot about a person’s underlying value system. Say you are a fan of the opera, and your partner is addicted to trance music. Is this an impasse? Not at all. The key is how willing each of you is to opening your minds and experiencing the interests of the other. Do you make the effort to listen to his trance music, and learn how this particular genre speaks to him? Does he surprise you with tickets to the opera, and seem willing to share the experience with you? It may not lead to either of you thoroughly enjoying the other’s taste, but the loving act of trying to understand what appeals to the other will lead to a more open and secure relationship.  If, however, only one of you (or neither of you) makes an effort to discover more about what makes your partner tick by engaging them in discussions about their particular interests, then this shows a self-centeredness and lack of growth that most likely will permeate the entire relationship.

This reflects a value system that is lacking in maturity and ability to thoroughly love the other person. The bottom line is, if you find a person whom you can respect and love, then open yourself up to new interests and experiences, and try to discover more about your partner through the subjects that appeal to him/her. And if there are some activities in which you just cannot conjure an interest, then as long as they are not harmful to the relationship, accept them as part of who this person is, and understand that finding someone with whom you share EVERY interest, is an unrealistic goal.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Half In, Half out. Dating while “separated”, is it a good idea?

If you’re dating in today’s landscape, it’s almost inevitable that you’re going to eventually be confronted with the opportunity to date someone who in the process of divorcing. In general, you should limit your search to a partner who is legally available, but what should you do if you meet someone with whom you have a real connection and the opportunity to build a real relationship, but he/she is not yet legally divorced? To put it as straightforward as possible, this can be some tricky stuff. Even couples who firmly believe that divorce is in everyone’s best interest, and have already agreed to keep things on a friendly basis, will still be dealing with a new set of emotions. For a man, divorce is often accompanied by a feeling of failure, even when the reasons for the divorce are genuine. This is a difficult time for everybody, and the accompanying stress and lifestyle change often puts additional pressure on a new relationship. If children are involved, custody issues may still be in flux and you may find that the time you hoped to spend with your new flame, is being consumed by his/her children.
It’s usually a better idea to wait until the dust has settled, the papers have been signed, and your potential partner has already settled and become comfortable in his/her new life before you start dating. Wait until your partner has become comfortable with their new environment and schedule, and you’ll find that fitting you into that life is a smoother transition. However, if you are already in a situation of dating a separated spouse, try to pull back a little and give your partner the space and patience to get through this difficult time. Though you may feel a bit neglected now, in the long run, your support and consideration will lend toward warmer feelings and a stronger relationship.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Finding True Love

The chances of finding your true love on line are almost as good as winning the lottery. Ask anyone that’s tried. Most won’t talk about it out of embarrassment. But if they do, you’d be shocked by their experiences. You’ll hear stories that sound crazy, stories that sound like they’re out of a movie, like they couldn’t really be true. But they are. You’ll hear of hours spent pouring through thousands of mind numbing on-line profiles. Or stories involving people showing up for “the date” that don’t look or act anything like the person on the profile. You’ll hear about the 20 year old photos and the loss of hair and teeth and the sudden appearance of 30 pounds. On-line dating is like a ticket to the twilight zone. So lets say you’re ready to throw caution to the wind and make a date to meet that potential someone special that you’ve met on-line. Both of you are enthusiastic, hopeful and ready to meet your match made in heaven. You both show up, you’re both well mannered, attractive, well spoken and well dressed. What happens? Nothing. No chemistry. Just disappointment and another wound to heal. Being single has never been more difficult. In reality finding your perfect match is not so easy. Some dating websites would lead you to believe that finding a mate can be accomplished through proven scientific or statistical means. The truth is matchmaking is not a science its an art, there is no logic to love.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Just how “perfect”… is perfect?

Tall, dark, and… handsome? Would you be wiling to settle for just one out of three? Or are you like most of us out there whose “shopping list” gets longer and wider as we hopelessly scour the globe for our b’sheret?

When we think in terms of our ideal partner, our supposed perfect match, we tend to set the bar very high. In fact, we set it so high, that we don’t believe we’ll ever reach it. We set out with an image – a preconceived idea of that perfect “10″. We picture the handsome knight, the white horse, and the fair maiden in the tower. This scenario may work well on the big screen, but life as we know it, is messy. It’s filled with endless expectations, disappointments, and then – we get stuck.

So how do we define our perfect match? How do we really know just ‘what’ and ‘who’ we’re looking for? Why not start from the beginning? Start from who you know and what you know best. And ultimately, that’s YOU. Be brave and be honest – and make a list. Make a list of YOUR qualities, flaws, character traits, your highs and your lows. You’re honest, fun-loving, dependable, romantic, social, physically active, and spiritual. You’re head-strong, independent, stubborn, and you like to get what you want. Is this really you? After all, exactly how we perceive ourselves is the message we send out there. Now ask yourself: “Do I still expect to find someone who’s exactly like me in every conceivable way?”

Our search for short-term perfection is often… short-lived. What we thought we wanted in our 20s, is certainly not what we want (nor what we deserve!) in our 40s. We make attempts to find a soul mate that is most like, well… us. We assume that for every attribute we have, our partner must have, at the very least, the same. But for every flaw or shortcoming we readily admit to, we don’t dare hope to find it in someone else.

Be fair to yourself. Don’t set the bar too high. But don’t settle for second best either. Know that what you might consider to be your ideal match at the dinner table won’t necessarily be so ideal… after breakfast. Don’t think of who you would like to be with, but rather, what qualities you truly want. As we get a little older, and with any luck, a little wiser, we can and should be honest with ourselves. Don’t compromise on your integrity, but do trust your better judgment. Sharpen your negotiating skills and be prepared to negotiate and find that comfortable middle ground – where you can both laugh at yourselves and each other. After all, your ideal match can and will only be as perfect… as you are.

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles Dating: When He Has Not Called You

When he is not into you

While, the inner workings of the male psyche may be a mystery to women, situations such as these are often self explanatory. It doesn’t take a guy or even your girlfriends to tell you that he doesn’t like you. The odds are if you have to ask, he probably just isn’t that into you to paraphrase Greg Behrendt.

1. He Has Not Called You If you gave him your telephone number, your email address, your pager number and you have not heard from him, he does not wish to speak with you. No matter how often you pick up the telephone to check the dial tone, as long as the phone bill has been paid everything is in working order. If spam continues to clutter your inbox, but no love not from your would be sweetie, your email is fine, he just hasn’t hit the send button. 2. You Must Always Call Him This tip is an addendum to the aforementioned tip. If whenever you call he says that he is busy and, he didn’t have time to call you read the writing on the wall. There are 24 hours in a day, and if a man is interested he will make time to call you. If it’s at work, before, in the car before work, or in bed before he goes to sleep at night. Trust and believe that if he is really into you, there is nothing sweeter than the sound of your voice at any time of the day. If you have called and left a message or two, or ten, and he has not returned your call, assume that he doesn’t know what a catch you are and simply move on.

3. He Has Not Mentioned Commitment Unfortunately, many women make the mistake of becoming intimate with a man in hopes of turning a physical relationship into a more permanent and serious endeavor. If the word commitment has not been mentioned, take it as an indication that it has not been discussed for a reason. The best thing to do would be to take some time, and learn from the experience. Read a book, hang out with friends, go to the gym. In short, anything but call him. That 2 months wasted on him, is 2 months that you will never get back. It is also a time when you could be meeting the real man of your dreams.

www.worldofsingles.com