In The Stars- Astrology and Jewish Dating

Given that Jewish tradition prohibits seeking guidance from soothsayers and fortune tellers, does astrology have a place Jewish dating? Well, if taken in the right vein, it can have some benefits. Astrology has its advocates and its opponents, and both views are correct. Certainty living your life and making major decisions based upon an astrologically-based forecast is careless and really has no place in a healthy Jewish relationship or marriage. Utilizing astrology as a tool to help you better understand your partner and help strengthen the union, however, can be one of the many ways in which a Jewish relationship can be improved.
Many couples find themselves repeating the same arguments and visiting the same issues over and over again, and each side tries to convince the other of the “rightness” of their own view. Maybe the issue is finances, for example, and you can’t seem to make your partner understand that value of weighing each purchase and limiting spending. You can argue until you’re blue in the face trying to get him/her to see your side of the issue and confirm to the behavior that you feel is “right”, but the fact is, you may be dealing with an astrological personality focused less on thrift and more on comfort and you will never change that aspect of them. So, you can either continue arguing the point for the life of your relationship, or you can try to understand that the two of you have different points of view and different behaviors and you adjust your reaction to work with that knowledge.
The best use of astrology in a Jewish relationship is to research your partner’s sign, looking for those characteristics that actually do manifest themselves in his/her personality and when you see them rising up and affecting the relationship, instead of trying to change the person, you simply understand that their behavior is in no way an attempt to undermine you or the relationship, it is simply part of their personality and your understanding of that personality will make your relationship stronger.
Let me provide a couple examples: I have a Capricorn friend and one aspect of Capricorn is that they tend to be strong decision makers and confident in the decisions they make. She is dating a Libra man. Libra is known for his indecisiveness. Obviously, decision-making is a frequent issue in this relationship. If my friend wasn’t aware that Libra needs balance in their life, and that his indecision stems from that need to weigh every possible angle before reaching a conclusion, she could spend her energy (and lots of frustrated emotion) trying to get him to be more immediately decisive. But since she knows this particular astrological aspect is alive and well in him, she gives him the time and space to reach a conclusion on his own and only applies some pressure if it’s really a decision that needs to be immediately made. He, in turn, understands that her nature is to make firm decisions relatively quickly, so he understands that she will get impatient with him at times, and he works to make decisions in a timelier manner. But neither of them yells at the other, or starts arguments based upon this difference, because they have both taken the time to understand that there IS a difference and to work with it instead of against it.
Another friend is a typical Virgo. She likes to plan everything in advance and doesn’t respond well to surprises. She is dating an Aries- one who exemplifies the Aries trait of spontaneity. They had a rocky start because Aries would call her and want to get together on the spur of the moment, and this was quite disruptive to the scheduled life that Virgo prefers. So although she wanted to spend time with him, she preferred a little advance notice. Once they both realized that their “earth” and “fire” traits were conflicting, they decided to work with them instead of against. He is now aware that she prefers to plan things in advance so he doesn’t get offended if she declines, and she is more open to accepting his spontaneous invitations and tries to say “yes” more often than not.
The true message in all of this is that as long as you understand and accept the personality traits of your partner- without negativity and blame- you can build a strong relationship regardless of whether or not the Zodiac charts say you make a good match.
For a little more insight into basic astrological personalities, check out this information from an online reference:
“The twelve zodiac signs are divided into four groups- Fire, Earth, Water and Air. The Fire signs – Aries, Leo, Sagittarius- are warm, enthusiastic and outgoing. They have excess energy, which keeps them going. Other signs must often create boundaries in order to prevent the fire signs from absorbing all the resources and space in the vicinity. Fire signs are usually quite unaware of the effects of their massive energy. When they reach a clearly defined edge drawn by another sign, they rarely take offense, and readily move in another direction. The fire signs are very intuitive and rely heavily on an element of luck, which seems to be always with them. Fires often attract Earths to stabilize and center them. The Earth signs – Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn- are usually solid and dependable, just as the ground beneath us. They are gifted at manifestation in the concrete world and take pleasure in finding useful purposes for everything. Earth signs are natural recyclers. The Earth signs are often focused on material production. They get caught in repetitive routines and forget to use their imagination. Earths frequently attract fire signs into their lives to provide an element of excitement and change. But the ‘Earth Sign’ must deal with anxiety and unpredictability of ‘Fire Sign’. Air signs – Gemini, Libra and Aquarius move constantly, like the wind. Even if the body appears to be still, the mind of an Air Sign is racing from one thing to another. They are generally talkative and tend to be winners in games of Trivial Pursuit. The ‘Air Signs’ develop their social skills early in life. They find it difficult to make commitments because they feel there are far more possibilities unexplored. Though Airs have lightning quick mental ability, they struggle in the world of emotions. Air Signs are usually unable to discuss about emotions and need support when encountering deep feelings and past memories. That is why they are prone to attract Water Signs who more naturally breathe in emotional pools. Water Signs – Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces live in pools of emotions and the range of their dispositions moves readily from an ice storm to placid river to hot spring. Waters love the comforts of home and family. They have compassionate instincts and are drawn to care for whomever or whatever seems weakened, defective or on the losing side. Water Signs are natural when they deal with the world of feeling and are rarely frightened by any emotion they encounter. Air Signs and Water Signs are mutually attracted. Water Signs need help in the world of logic and reason. They bond well with verbal Air Signs.”

Jewish Dating- Are You Living in a Fantasy World?

As a Jewish matchmaker, I have seen all kinds of clients:those who are very serious about finding their Jewish soulmate- and those who are not. Funny thing, the ones who are more interested in simply getting married, and not so focused on finding their soulmate sometimes have the more difficult time. The issue is this. If you are serious about finding your soulmate, then you are aware that your soulmate may not come in a custom-designed “package” of specifications. Maybe they are taller (or shorter) than you imagine. Or maybe they are a few years older (or younger) than you imagine. Maybe your soulmate is a blond, even though you usually prefer brunettes, or maybe your soulmate has been married and divorced, or has a child- whereas you wanted someone who had never been married. The point is, your true soulmate, the person who is most suited to be your partner for life- can be completely the opposite of what you expect, and if you are serious about finding your real soulmate, then you must open up your list of “preferences” and be willing to meet people with whom you might initially not see the compatibilities. The fact that your eyes and your heart are wide open to a variety of different people who might not fit a physical or experiential “mold” will give you the best opportunity to stumble upon one of G-d’s greatest gifts to us, the gift of our true Jewish besherte (soulmate).

Those seekers who limit their options of a mate to very specific age, height, appearance, education, and profession criteria, are clearly NOT concerned about finding their perfect match, they are more concerned about finding someone that fits their physical image of their fantasy man (or woman), and that person is obviously going to have a more difficult time finding a partner because, well let’s face it, you can ask your Jewish matchmaker to only match you up with women who look like Angelina Jolie, but my experience has shown me that unless you also look like Brad Pitt, Ms. Angelina is not going to be interested in meeting you. The same is true with age specifications. I had a 56yr. old male client who arrived to my office in a wheelchair and proceeded to tell me that he only wanted to meet slender, attractive women in their 30’s. Now, what do you think? Do you think we would have been successful? Absolutely not. Slender, attractive women in their 30’s are interested in slender attractive men, and although they may well consider someone in their 40’s, odds are that they will not be interested in a man who is nearing 60.

The conclusion to this is simply that although we would love our perfect match to also be our fantasy, marriage isn’t about fantasy. Marriage is work, and investing time, attention, consideration, and compromise into a partnership that will endure years of stress, struggle, and outside tensions. If you are not with the person who is best suited for you spiritually, then you will never make it. Oh, you might hang in there without divorcing, but you will not be happy. Neither of you will. The best modus operandi for someone who is truly seeking their Jewish soulmate is to first take a look at yourself and start working to make yourself a person who would be attractive to the person you seek. Next, broaden your options and stop limiting yourself to some cookie-cutter image of perfection that you will most likely never find. Open yourself up to meeting everyone that comes your way. Just meet them once. That’s all it takes for something real to be sparked, and you may find that your custom made Jewish partner is nothing like you originally envisioned, but exactly what you want and need.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com