If you’re dating in today’s landscape, it’s almost inevitable that you’re going to eventually be confronted with the opportunity to date someone who in the process of divorcing. In general, you should limit your search to a partner who is legally available, but what should you do if you meet someone with whom you have a real connection and the opportunity to build a real relationship, but he/she is not yet legally divorced? To put it as straightforward as possible, this can be some tricky stuff. Even couples who firmly believe that divorce is in everyone’s best interest, and have already agreed to keep things on a friendly basis, will still be dealing with a new set of emotions. For a man, divorce is often accompanied by a feeling of failure, even when the reasons for the divorce are genuine. This is a difficult time for everybody, and the accompanying stress and lifestyle change often puts additional pressure on a new relationship. If children are involved, custody issues may still be in flux and you may find that the time you hoped to spend with your new flame, is being consumed by his/her children.
It’s usually a better idea to wait until the dust has settled, the papers have been signed, and your potential partner has already settled and become comfortable in his/her new life before you start dating. Wait until your partner has become comfortable with their new environment and schedule, and you’ll find that fitting you into that life is a smoother transition. However, if you are already in a situation of dating a separated spouse, try to pull back a little and give your partner the space and patience to get through this difficult time. Though you may feel a bit neglected now, in the long run, your support and consideration will lend toward warmer feelings and a stronger relationship.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com
May 17, 2009
Jewish Singles: Half In, Half out. Dating while “separated”, is it a good idea?
March 16, 2009
Jewish Singles: Finding True Love
The chances of finding your true love on line are almost as good as winning the lottery. Ask anyone that’s tried. Most won’t talk about it out of embarrassment. But if they do, you’d be shocked by their experiences. You’ll hear stories that sound crazy, stories that sound like they’re out of a movie, like they couldn’t really be true. But they are. You’ll hear of hours spent pouring through thousands of mind numbing on-line profiles. Or stories involving people showing up for “the date” that don’t look or act anything like the person on the profile. You’ll hear about the 20 year old photos and the loss of hair and teeth and the sudden appearance of 30 pounds. On-line dating is like a ticket to the twilight zone. So lets say you’re ready to throw caution to the wind and make a date to meet that potential someone special that you’ve met on-line. Both of you are enthusiastic, hopeful and ready to meet your match made in heaven. You both show up, you’re both well mannered, attractive, well spoken and well dressed. What happens? Nothing. No chemistry. Just disappointment and another wound to heal. Being single has never been more difficult. In reality finding your perfect match is not so easy. Some dating websites would lead you to believe that finding a mate can be accomplished through proven scientific or statistical means. The truth is matchmaking is not a science its an art, there is no logic to love.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com
March 4, 2009
Jewish Singles: Just how “perfect”… is perfect?
Tall, dark, and… handsome? Would you be wiling to settle for just one out of three? Or are you like most of us out there whose “shopping list” gets longer and wider as we hopelessly scour the globe for our b’sheret?
When we think in terms of our ideal partner, our supposed perfect match, we tend to set the bar very high. In fact, we set it so high, that we don’t believe we’ll ever reach it. We set out with an image – a preconceived idea of that perfect “10″. We picture the handsome knight, the white horse, and the fair maiden in the tower. This scenario may work well on the big screen, but life as we know it, is messy. It’s filled with endless expectations, disappointments, and then – we get stuck.
So how do we define our perfect match? How do we really know just ‘what’ and ‘who’ we’re looking for? Why not start from the beginning? Start from who you know and what you know best. And ultimately, that’s YOU. Be brave and be honest – and make a list. Make a list of YOUR qualities, flaws, character traits, your highs and your lows. You’re honest, fun-loving, dependable, romantic, social, physically active, and spiritual. You’re head-strong, independent, stubborn, and you like to get what you want. Is this really you? After all, exactly how we perceive ourselves is the message we send out there. Now ask yourself: “Do I still expect to find someone who’s exactly like me in every conceivable way?”
Our search for short-term perfection is often… short-lived. What we thought we wanted in our 20s, is certainly not what we want (nor what we deserve!) in our 40s. We make attempts to find a soul mate that is most like, well… us. We assume that for every attribute we have, our partner must have, at the very least, the same. But for every flaw or shortcoming we readily admit to, we don’t dare hope to find it in someone else.
Be fair to yourself. Don’t set the bar too high. But don’t settle for second best either. Know that what you might consider to be your ideal match at the dinner table won’t necessarily be so ideal… after breakfast. Don’t think of who you would like to be with, but rather, what qualities you truly want. As we get a little older, and with any luck, a little wiser, we can and should be honest with ourselves. Don’t compromise on your integrity, but do trust your better judgment. Sharpen your negotiating skills and be prepared to negotiate and find that comfortable middle ground – where you can both laugh at yourselves and each other. After all, your ideal match can and will only be as perfect… as you are.
February 21, 2009
Jewish Singles Dating: When He Has Not Called You
When he is not into you
While, the inner workings of the male psyche may be a mystery to women, situations such as these are often self explanatory. It doesn’t take a guy or even your girlfriends to tell you that he doesn’t like you. The odds are if you have to ask, he probably just isn’t that into you to paraphrase Greg Behrendt.
1. He Has Not Called You If you gave him your telephone number, your email address, your pager number and you have not heard from him, he does not wish to speak with you. No matter how often you pick up the telephone to check the dial tone, as long as the phone bill has been paid everything is in working order. If spam continues to clutter your inbox, but no love not from your would be sweetie, your email is fine, he just hasn’t hit the send button. 2. You Must Always Call Him This tip is an addendum to the aforementioned tip. If whenever you call he says that he is busy and, he didn’t have time to call you read the writing on the wall. There are 24 hours in a day, and if a man is interested he will make time to call you. If it’s at work, before, in the car before work, or in bed before he goes to sleep at night. Trust and believe that if he is really into you, there is nothing sweeter than the sound of your voice at any time of the day. If you have called and left a message or two, or ten, and he has not returned your call, assume that he doesn’t know what a catch you are and simply move on.
3. He Has Not Mentioned Commitment Unfortunately, many women make the mistake of becoming intimate with a man in hopes of turning a physical relationship into a more permanent and serious endeavor. If the word commitment has not been mentioned, take it as an indication that it has not been discussed for a reason. The best thing to do would be to take some time, and learn from the experience. Read a book, hang out with friends, go to the gym. In short, anything but call him. That 2 months wasted on him, is 2 months that you will never get back. It is also a time when you could be meeting the real man of your dreams.
December 13, 2008
Jewish Singles: Is the photo worth 1000 words… and 1000 miles?
You Get what you See
You are brave. Yes, you are! You’ve decided to take the plunge and render yourself helpless to a local matchmaker – in search of your “beshert”. The process seems harmless enough – submit a photo, complete a simple questionnaire, describe your perfect mate – and wait patiently for that “Hi, it’s me!” email in your inbox. What if you decide to tempt fate and consider meeting someone from a different state, or even from a different country? What happens then?
Here’s where those all too trusting photographs come into play. You think about “extracting” your ex-husband and sending your wedding photo from 1985. You consider that great shot from your last ski trip in Colorado, but you’re wearing goggles and a Mickey Mouse hat! You ask yourself how you’re going to hide those recent age spots, hints of gray hair and those strategically located “love handles” so you can effectively market your “goods” online?
First rule of thumb – don’t hide it – flaunt it! For many of us, it’s a frightening proposition. You mean, submit “real” photos? Show complete and utter strangers what I really look like? My advice to you is – yes. More often than not, online dating photos are hardly ever recent. Some are touched-up, easy to do with simple graphics software. Blondes are not exactly blonde (are they ever?), and men you viewed online with a full head of hair, show up at the airport to greet you – as they like to say “gently coiffed”, when in fact, they are completely bald!
Unlike online dating sites, matchmakers – the good matchmakers out there, meet their clients face-to-face. After a careful screening process and a personal interview, they request numerous photographs, not just one, and together, they choose the best ones – and the “real” ones. When your desired “match” is not in the same city, and you’re left to your own devices – your imagination, instinct, and better judgment, you have to trust the photos you receive. My advice to my clients before you catch that Red-Eye to New York or venture across the Atlantic for that first date, request more photos from that man or woman across the miles. Family photos are great. Recent vacations or even office photos will give you a real sense of who you’re emailing or talking to on the phone.
I’ve had clients who’ve managed this with considerable success, but know that it’s a two-way street. You can’t ask without being prepared to deliver. Some of my clients are baffled by their matches who refuse to send more photos. When asked, I always advise both sides to comply. After all, our best decisions are made when we have the best possible information. If you’re considering the girl next door – or the boy across the ocean, and if you have a keen sense that this match may just be “the one”, take a closer look. More often than not, my clients are pleasantly surprised that what they see (and liked), is really… what they get.
November 22, 2008
Jewish Singles= Jewish Matchmaker
Definition of a Jewish Matchmaker
A Jewish Matchmaker working from Jerusalem
match·mak·er – NOUN: One who arranges or tries to arrange marriages, while “matchmaking” is any process of introducing people for the purposes of dating and mating, usually in the context of marriage.
Well, there you have it – clearly defined in black and white. But is the art of matchmaking really all that simple? And if it is, then why isn’t there a matchmaker on every corner in every town? Jewish matching is as much a part of our culture and our history, as say, gefilte fish and chicken soup. But professional Jewish matchmaking is a business… a business of the heart. If my own heart was not in it, successfully finding and matching “true life partners” would be nothing more than words in a best-selling romance novel.
I have been a professional matchmaker for many years. Based in Jerusalem, Israel, I often wonder if it’s my close proximity to God, to the Jewish faith, or that this has been and still is… my true calling. For me, it’s more than a “day job” – I work ’round the clock, poised in front of my computer, matching Jewish hearts and souls from all four corners of the globe. And I cannot help but think my inspiration, conviction and dedication comes from the fact that the view from my office window is that of the Old City of Jerusalem.
Matchmaking has always been and still is quite professionalized, but the role of the Jewish matchmaker has become so commercialized, especially with dating services, the Internet, and online dating websites. Once upon a time, we were thought of as essential advisors who helped in finding the “right” spouses, since matchmakers had connections and a relation of good faith with families who were their clients.
And here I am centuries later – in Jerusalem, the spirit of the Jewish world, and this still remains the foundation and the strength of my business. I am often asked, “How do I choose a matchmaker? Is it based on her successful record, recommendations from friends, number of years in the business?” My answer to this is always… “All of the above!” But in fact, it’s so much more. My colleagues and competitors, as many of them are, promote their services through TV and radio interviews, flashy Internet sites, and the promise of finding your “beshert” in less than 30 days, often with a money-back guarantee.
I am uniquely different, and with that, so is my approach to love, partnership, and marriage. Simply put, while others are investing in marketing and public relations, I work – and I work hard. Making a match is no simple task, and finding a life partner is more than acquainting two people based on looks, likes and dislikes, financial status, or even location. I am committed to my clients as if they were my own family or close friends. My first task, and the most important part of the process, is getting to know them, virtually or face-to-face, and often, I have the pleasure of both. I ask one hundred questions (or more), and I never make an introduction without receiving 100 answers.
I will only work with clients who are, themselves, truly committed to finding a life partner. I don’t only offer a service, I offer advice, counseling, and an open door based on experience and a genuine commitment – so much a part of who I am as a person. So, if you’re ready to find “your life partner” and you’re thinking about consulting a real Jewish matchmaker, choose wisely. Be prepared to open your heart. For once you do, a real Jewish matchmaker will do the same for you.
Sara Malamud
November 10, 2008
Jewish Singles: The Second Date ”Debate”
Picture the scene. You got up the nerve to tell your best girlfriend “yes” – that you would gladly meet her second cousin, Max, the one from the engagement party six months ago who thought you were just adorable, but he was on the tail end of a nasty divorce… And now that Max is free, you surrendered your phone number and agreed to meet him for that incredible, but more often than not, awkward… first date.
After a few pleasantries over the phone, you agreed to meet Max at a local café the following evening. Donned in “black” (forever safe for a first date!), you follow the rules, arrive early, and wait at an empty table facing the entrance. Max appears in the distance, somewhat shorter and a somewhat balder than you care to remember. He approaches and gives you a welcoming hug and a smothering kiss on the cheek. The conversation is polite. You ask the proverbial “Twenty Questions” and learn that Max is currently unemployed, living with his mother, still not quite divorced, and as he readily admits, has been banned from leaving the country, the result of overdue child support. And all this in the first fifteen minutes!
The time passes ever so slowly, when in fact you realize that you’re not the least bit attracted to Max. When he caresses your shoulder, you shudder. When he tells you have nice teeth, you wonder if you put enough money in the parking meter. And when asks that daunting question, “Can I see you again?” you quickly ask the waiter for the check!
Many people find it difficult to open up emotionally, especially on a first date. We tend to resort to “safe” dialog, the typical Q&A that revolves around work, education, hobbies, tales of the “x”, our children’s play dates, and if we’re lucky enough, the conversation will lead to something meaningful, like… favorite colors, favorite pets, and “So, who did you vote for?” But more often than not, we spend most of the first date… thinking about the prospects of a second date. Making the leap takes a combination of personal readiness, the right partner, and the right circumstances, but how do we know who is really “worthy” of that second date?
Does the old adage “you never get a second chance to make a first impression” speak volumes? If you have to debate that second date, don’t! Don’t plan that second outfit, don’t reserve that corner table, and don’t invest in that new pair of shoes! And try and remember what you felt when Max, or any of the countless other Maxes made their entrance. If you checked your lipstick only once and if your heart was not a flutter; if you dabbled in would-be conversation from across the table and from across the miles – then surely, you knew. Trust yourself… first – and rely on your basic instincts… second. And don’t debate… that second date.
Sara Malamud
September 22, 2008
3 Reasons to Ditch Standard Jewish Online Dating
Dating Online
Do you waste time browsing Jewish online dating services? Here are 3 great reasons why you should ditch Jewish dating websites and try something new.
I’m 29 years old, a successful entrepreneur, athletically fit, attractive and looking for a partner who will enjoy traveling the world, eating at fancy restaurants and watching the sunset over the ocean.
OK, I’m really 34, my business is only mildly successful, and I’ve put on a few pounds from all the stress. But you don’t know that, since you’ve only met me online. And herein lies the problem with Jewish online dating- you just never know what you’re gonna get (hmm…Kinda reminds me of Forrest Gump!). It’s easy for people to embellish their online profiles, to upload outdated pictures and to say what they think potential suitors will want to hear. Frustrations with Jewish dating online are rampant- Jewish singles are tired of searching and searching, only to find out that their ‘prince charming’ is actually not charming at all. You probably don’t need any more reasons to ditch standard Jewish dating websites, but I’ll give you three more anyway- as well as some helpful suggestions that can make the Jewish dating process a pleasure rather than a pain in the you-know-where.
Jewish Dating Websites are Big Time Wasters- While we all know some people who sit at home all night with nothing to do, most of us like to think that we have a bit more of a social life (or, at the very least, a professional life). Who has time to browse thousands of profiles in search of that needle in a haystack? With multiple pages to read for each interesting profile, Jewish online dating can take hours, if not weeks or years- and wouldn’t you rather be dating than searching for dates? Fortunately, a professional Jewish matchmaker has the time needed to pursue your perfect partner. The right Jewish matchmaker will weed out all of the thorns, so that all you’re left with is enjoyable, enriching dates.
Writing That Profile is Hard Work! Nobody likes to complement themselves or explain why they’d make a suitable partner. When browsing Jewish dating websites, you’re likely to come across the guy who thinks he’s a comedian, the one who thinks he’s God’s gift to women, and possibly even the one who thinks he’s God. But is that the information that you really want to know? Wouldn’t you rather know who the person is from a reputable source, someone who has met him in person, or, at the very least, spoken to him at length? Jewish matchmakers are trained to analyze personalities and create a keen understanding of who their clients are, so that they can provide honest, accurate assessments of each potential match. Now doesn’t that sound more honest than any online profile you’ve ever read?
Safety and Security- You may not want to admit it to out loud, but it’s something that you’ve probably thought about countless times before- how do you know that your Internet suitor isn’t a stalker or pervert? You don’t, but you’re guessing that he (or she) is probably somewhat decent, since you’ve been emailing him for a few weeks and he seems normal. In all honesty though, you don’t know if your potential suitor is an axe murder any more than you know whether I’m REALLY 29. Enlisting the help of a Jewish matchmaker is an easy way to know with certainty that your date will not be dangerous (and hopefully he won’t be horrible either). Those who turn to a Jewish matchmaker for help are those who are serious about finding a partner and those who are really looking for quality mates (believe me, I know!) So stop leaving your safety to chance, and do something proactive to ensure as safe and successful Jewish dating experience.
For the record, it should be noted that not all people who create online profiles are liars or criminals. There are definitely hundreds (if not thousands) of honest Jewish singles represented online. Some of them may even by my clients as well. But do you really want to take that chance, when you can avoid the hassles by going directly to a reputable source? I’ll leave that for you to decide….
September 13, 2008
Jewish Singles: Excuses-Excuses!
Some advice from Sara the Matchmaker:
Some common interests are great, but don’t maintain your personalities be matchy-matchy. To be happy with your other half it is not a requirement that he/she loves all of the same things you do. Even a jazz-loving, vegan can find happiness with a hard rock ballad-crazy, romance novel-reading steak lover. Its all about values my friends. As long as you have shared values and your personalities click, go for it. At least get to know more about him/her.
Don’t lie!
Saying that you own the whole building when you actually are the janitor, is a nu nu nu. . You’ll never find the perfect person for you if you’re pretending to be someone else. Saying that you don’t smoke and going out smelling like an old ashtray is another nu nu nu.
Just as you should be honest, expect the same from your date. If they are evasive or seem to be holding back on questions you have, don’t be afraid to push a little for more satisfying answers.”
No good telephone?
I have sent you his/her photo and profile, you get in touch, you whip out a few intriguing emails, and when you’re full of beans with anticipation, you schedule that first magical phone call. And it’s, um, odd. Suddenly, you don’t have as much to talk about. Where have all the sparks gone? One telephone conversation and you’ve hit the skids? Never fear, and go ahead and make that date anyway. ‘’Most men don’t usually like to chit-chat as much as women do… so don’t read too much into a bad phone call.” I have hundreds of stories of clients who got married after I insisted they met even though the telephone was not that good!
Stay tuned, I am coming back with more
Sara Malamud
September 10, 2008
Jewish Singles ” No No ”
For the Jewish singles dads and mums
What about the kids knowing ? What’s to know !
They think we’re dead ? Nah,
Especially, if the date is Jewish. They’ll see continuity, belonging,commonality.
Ladies, seize the day! When you feel that you may have good chemistry with a guy, for goodness sakes, ASK HIM OUT! My last girlfriend asked me out. I was totally flattered and excited. Keep in mind, only two percent of people in the US are Jewish, only 1% is the opposite sex, and to find that person in your generation–wow the odds are tough. So, see a sexy Jewish dude–don’t be shy–ask em’ out.
Be honest! come on, say it if you want to go home and say it if you are having a good time!
One thing that I have learned is that it does both people a lot more good if they are out-right honest with each other–within reason. If you’re not having a good time on a date, say so. Be nice about it of course, but say something. You never know, that could be the icebreaker needed to get you to actually talk to each other.
- Having a shower and being well groomed is not ”pass`e”…
- I know it may sound petty, but I find it quite insulting when my date – (first time or otherwise) – does not show me the courtesy of arriving to our meeting clean and well groomed. Could you imagine, a guy I met (only once, of course) showed up to our evening dinner date holding his briefcase in one hand, and a doggie-bag with leftover lunch goodies in the other?
Yes!! be yourself but :
Do….. be yourself on the date. Act as crazy as you normally are.
Remember that she wants to have fun, just like you do. Plan a fun date.
Don’t …… try to be more yeshivishe than you are. Leave the costume (hat, jacket, gemara) at home.
