My Friends Don’t Like Who I’m Dating

The most important thing to consider in this situation is the quality of your friends.   Friends, especially close and old friends, usually mean well and care about you, but how well do they weed-out the bad apple? Can you trust them to make the right judgment, and should you?

many women see their beaus in a forgiving light and overlook their faults, even while their friends’ intuitive senses scream,

I Don’t Like Who My Friend is Dating – Should I Say Something?

Over time we have all disliked a friend’s choice in a significant other, but when is it helpful to say something?  It’s tricky because people can be offended if you don’t like the person they’re with and it can cost you the friendship.   You also put your friend in a position where they can no longer talk to you about their relationship.

I believe old adage of “biting your tongue” may apply, unless you think your friend is in danger.  Set your first impression aside and try to have an open and positive mind about this person’s role in your friend’s life. Give him/her another chance.  You can also spend some time one-on-one with this person.  It will give you a chance to talk openly and maybe ask some questions in a non-confrontational way.  Whatever you do, do not try to break them up. You never really know what goes on between two people in a relationship.

It’s possible that you just find this person annoying, but annoying is not grounds for a break-up.  We all like different things and what’s annoying to you could be cute to someone else.  If you can’t get past the annoyances and see some good qualities you should schedule time alone with your friend where you can enjoy each other’s company.

“Who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure.” — Jewish saying

Sara Malamud

Yourself or Someone Like You

How to show up for your next date

There is no loss of internet articles or printed books that delve into all areas of dating and how you should be doing something differently. You’ll learn what you should and shouldn’t do, wear, discuss, say, eat, joke about, divulge, be secretive about, etc.. You’re even instructed as to how many dates you should have with one person before becoming intimate.  I’m not here to tell you that some of this information isn’t valid, or even necessary. Much of it can be helpful depending on the situation, but the most important thing you can learn about dating is to be yourself. Forget about trying to make the other person laugh, or not slurping your spaghetti, or whether your dress is too tight or not tight enough, the best impression you can give on a first date is an honest impression of who you really are. Why is this so important? Because you are looking for your soul mate, and your genuine soul mate is only going to be attracted to the real you. One of the most attractive qualities you can find in a person (and one of the rarest) is sincerity. Show the date your real essence, and he/she will either never want to see you again- in which case they are not your soul mate- or they will be intrigued and pleased to find someone with whom they click so well (maybe this is your soul mate!).  Most people agree that they prefer a sincere person to someone who is trying to be something they’re not, yet still, many people don’t feel comfortable enough to let their true self show. Take my advice, of all the self-help mantras that you can benefit from, Just Be Yourself is the most powerful.

www.worldofsingles.com

Dream vs. Fantasy

Is there a difference between a dream and a fantasy? You bet. All of us have dreams, and if we work diligently toward them, we can make those dreams reality. Fantasy, however, is completely out of touch with reality. How does this affect our approach toward dating and finding our perfect match? Sadly, those who are focused on a fantasy will likely never find their true love, because they are looking for all the wrong qualities. So many people have a mental checklist of what they require in a mate. Unfortunately this checklist has a lot more to do with looks and financial standing than with the qualities that will make a good life partner. In addition, many of those with unrealistic expectations will never have them fulfilled because they themselves cannot provide those qualities to someone else.

A matchmaker’s task is not to cater to unrealistic fantasies; a matchmaker’s task is to find someone with whom you can truly be happy. Believe me, when times get tough (and they will get tough), having a wife who looks like Angelina Jolie or a husband who is wedded to his work is going to be little consolation. Find someone whose love and commitment will weather the hardships, and whose smile and friendly banter will start your day on a happy note, and you’re halfway there.

Life can be a dream, but it will never materialize into a fantasy. Set your sights on what is important and your dreams can come true.

www.worldofsingles.com

The Dating Game

Are you playing to win?

Many people are under the misguided impression that a matchmaker is here to provide you with a virtual dating pool from which you can pick and choose and swim in a sea of eligible potentials. This is not the reality. Jewish matchmaking is for people who are serious about finding their soul mate because they are ready to settle down with one person.

Success is not achieved by throwing a slew of singles at you and hoping that one sticks; success is achieved by meeting potential matches one at a time until you find that one with whom something clicks. The process has less to do with quantity and everything to do with quality. A great matchmaker is someone who takes the information you have provided, and seeks to find your partner of similar compatibilities.

The process is ongoing and continually being refined. Don’t be discouraged if the first few potential matches don’t seem to fit exactly right. Provide constructive feedback about each match and your matchmaker will adjust her search until the right balance is achieved. The most important thing is that you don’t get discouraged, you don’t lose hope. Matchmaking is a process. Sometimes you strike gold right out of the box, and sometimes a little more time is required. There is a reason why the standard contract lasts for one year- because finding a partner to last a lifetime is serious business and you have to be ready to invest time and patience in the search. Believe me, the results are priceless.

Attitude is Everything

So you’ve tried just about everything to find your soul mate and here you are, thinking about going the route of a Jewish matchmaker and not too sure that it’s really the thing for you. I have three words for you: attitude, attitude, attitude. That is, your chances of success are completely dependent upon how positive or negative is the attitude that you bring to the process. Are you ready to use every means available to find your partner? Are you ready to accept constructive criticism from an experienced matchmaker who is also there to coach and guide you to finding your soul mate? Are you open-minded enough to accept that your methods haven’t been working well up to this point? Do you have the faith and trust in the talents of a hands-on matchmaker to help you find your match? If so, then this may be the right step for you to take at this point in your life. If you have a pessimistic attitude from the get-go, then you are not going to be successful with a matchmaker. Attitude is everything, and pessimists bring negativity to the process. Fill your head with positive thoughts, and you will obtain a positive outcome. This applies to all areas of life, and is certainly of utmost importance when looking for a partner. Show that you are happy and optimistic, and joy will flow into your life. You will also be more appealing to the opposite sex. If you are ready to receive success and love, then a Jewish matchmaker can help you find it.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Inner Relationship Counseling

Are emotional issues clouding your judgment?

All too often, it is easy for us to point out the mistakes of others and not notice our own flaws. It’s painful to look at oneself and see where we fall short; it’s much easier to direct blame elsewhere. However, if you are noticing a pattern in your relationship issues, it might be time to take a good, hard look at your own culpability and work to make yourself a better partner.

Growing up, the majority of us probably did not have the best role models for a successful relationship. Many of us came from divorced homes, and even if our parents stayed together, there may not have been much love shown between them.  Or maybe one of them was away most of the time, leaving a void in our development. Whatever the circumstance, it may have led to our inability to work through issues, or forgive angry outbursts, or simply deal with everyday issues that couples are faced with and work through them in a healthy manner.

Look back over your relationship history. Are you unforgiving of flaws? Do you demand perfection? Maybe you take the opposite track, are you a  pleaser, and bury your identity? Do you place more importance on spending time with friends, and have difficulty merging your life with your partner’s? Do you have intimacy issues, whether physical or emotional?

These are serious questions, and could take much soul-searching to reach an honest answer. Many of these types of issues stem from childhood emotional traumas from which our subconscious mind attempted to protect us. Unfortunately, those protective mechanisms are now preventing us from experiencing a healthy love relationship.

If you suspect that you are causing your own relationship problems, open yourself up to speaking with a counselor and try to learn new methods of reacting to old triggers. If you are in a relationship, and you see yourself sabotaging it, try to open up to your partner and bring your insecurities to the table.  The goal is to accept you were hurt, find new ways of dealing with the pain, and move forward to form healthier relationships.

Jewish Singles: Dating a Single Parent

Who Takes Priority?

The longer you wait to marry, the greater the odds that you will be dating someone who is already married, divorced, and with children. Though some clients won’t consider dating someone with children, most of them realize that at a certain age, it’s almost inevitable, and with maturity, wisdom, love, and humor, it can turn out to have some very rewarding benefits. First of all, be aware that especially at the beginning of the relationship, children are going to take precedence over you, and that’s perfectly normal. One of the most important things a divorced parent can do is to create a stable environment in an instable situation. Divorce shakes up a child’s sense of stability, but if it is handled properly, the child regains their stability and securely builds upon the new reality. When the parent is dating, the child must see that his/her needs still take precedence, and this should continue until you are a permanent fixture in the equation. You need to be understanding and flexible in this situation, and realize that this is your chance to shine. If plans change at the last minute because of a child-based emergency, don’t show irritation. Instead, offer to be of assistance, and assure your date that the evening can be made up another time. Remember that your date was also looking forward to time out with you, but this is their child, and that last thing you want to do is make them feel guilty for putting their child first. Some of you will deal with a situation in which the child deliberately manipulates the parent and possibly works to sabotage your relationship. They may see you as trying to take the place of the other parent, and this raises their defenses. If you can assure the child that you are not trying to adopt the role of their parent, great. If however, the situation is volatile, try to stay out of the conflict as much as possible, and simply show support and understanding toward your dating partner. You can gently suggest counseling, or buy books that discuss the same situation, but do your best not to get embroiled in the mess. In these cases, it’s probably not you that is the issue. The child probably has unresolved anger that needs to be released. As the relationship grows, your role in the household will also grow, and you will begin to feel more comfortable vocalizing dissention. Hopefully, you’ve shown maturity and thoughtfulness when dealing with the child up to this point, and your opinion can be valued. In addition, if you’ve made an effort to really get to know the child, and have spent quality time with him/her, then you have, hopefully, become an important role model in the child’s life. This is truly a gift, and one that you should revere. To have a role of influence in the development of another human being is one of life’s greatest gifts. Optimally, you will have the opportunity to play this role in the lives of your own children, but showing genuine concern and understanding toward a partner and their children, shows a truly loving and selfless character.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles Common Interests

Are they a make or break?

It’s an age-old dilemma.  If opposites attract, then why do we keep looking for a partner who shares our same interests?  Is it really so important that a couple enjoy the same activities and share the same likes/dislikes, or is it more exciting if each person can introduce the other to something new? Well, like most things in life, the truth lies somewhere in between.  I don’t think anyone can discount the thrill of meeting someone who shares your obsession of a particular genre of film or music, or with whom you can engage in hours of conversation over some obscure topic in which no one else seems interested. This is what finding a soulmate feels like, right? Well, yes. But a soulmate is also someone who encourages you to expand your comfort zone and experience new things.  Let’s face it, by this stage in your development, you’re probably pretty set in your lifestyle and have strong opinions about what does and doesn’t appeal to you.  So is this where you should limit your search? Absolutely not.  The main objective to find a partner whose values match your own.  This should be your main point of elimination. Analyze yourself and come up with a list of five value- based character traits that are simply not up for negotiation, and look first for those. Once this hurdle has been crossed, you can turn your attention to your individual interests. Even in this realm, you can learn a lot about a person’s underlying value system. Say you are a fan of the opera, and your partner is addicted to trance music. Is this an impasse? Not at all. The key is how willing each of you is to opening your minds and experiencing the interests of the other. Do you make the effort to listen to his trance music, and learn how this particular genre speaks to him? Does he surprise you with tickets to the opera, and seem willing to share the experience with you? It may not lead to either of you thoroughly enjoying the other’s taste, but the loving act of trying to understand what appeals to the other will lead to a more open and secure relationship.  If, however, only one of you (or neither of you) makes an effort to discover more about what makes your partner tick by engaging them in discussions about their particular interests, then this shows a self-centeredness and lack of growth that most likely will permeate the entire relationship.

This reflects a value system that is lacking in maturity and ability to thoroughly love the other person. The bottom line is, if you find a person whom you can respect and love, then open yourself up to new interests and experiences, and try to discover more about your partner through the subjects that appeal to him/her. And if there are some activities in which you just cannot conjure an interest, then as long as they are not harmful to the relationship, accept them as part of who this person is, and understand that finding someone with whom you share EVERY interest, is an unrealistic goal.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Half In, Half out. Dating while “separated”, is it a good idea?

If you’re dating in today’s landscape, it’s almost inevitable that you’re going to eventually be confronted with the opportunity to date someone who in the process of divorcing. In general, you should limit your search to a partner who is legally available, but what should you do if you meet someone with whom you have a real connection and the opportunity to build a real relationship, but he/she is not yet legally divorced? To put it as straightforward as possible, this can be some tricky stuff. Even couples who firmly believe that divorce is in everyone’s best interest, and have already agreed to keep things on a friendly basis, will still be dealing with a new set of emotions. For a man, divorce is often accompanied by a feeling of failure, even when the reasons for the divorce are genuine. This is a difficult time for everybody, and the accompanying stress and lifestyle change often puts additional pressure on a new relationship. If children are involved, custody issues may still be in flux and you may find that the time you hoped to spend with your new flame, is being consumed by his/her children.
It’s usually a better idea to wait until the dust has settled, the papers have been signed, and your potential partner has already settled and become comfortable in his/her new life before you start dating. Wait until your partner has become comfortable with their new environment and schedule, and you’ll find that fitting you into that life is a smoother transition. However, if you are already in a situation of dating a separated spouse, try to pull back a little and give your partner the space and patience to get through this difficult time. Though you may feel a bit neglected now, in the long run, your support and consideration will lend toward warmer feelings and a stronger relationship.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Finding True Love

The chances of finding your true love on line are almost as good as winning the lottery. Ask anyone that’s tried. Most won’t talk about it out of embarrassment. But if they do, you’d be shocked by their experiences. You’ll hear stories that sound crazy, stories that sound like they’re out of a movie, like they couldn’t really be true. But they are. You’ll hear of hours spent pouring through thousands of mind numbing on-line profiles. Or stories involving people showing up for “the date” that don’t look or act anything like the person on the profile. You’ll hear about the 20 year old photos and the loss of hair and teeth and the sudden appearance of 30 pounds. On-line dating is like a ticket to the twilight zone. So lets say you’re ready to throw caution to the wind and make a date to meet that potential someone special that you’ve met on-line. Both of you are enthusiastic, hopeful and ready to meet your match made in heaven. You both show up, you’re both well mannered, attractive, well spoken and well dressed. What happens? Nothing. No chemistry. Just disappointment and another wound to heal. Being single has never been more difficult. In reality finding your perfect match is not so easy. Some dating websites would lead you to believe that finding a mate can be accomplished through proven scientific or statistical means. The truth is matchmaking is not a science its an art, there is no logic to love.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com