Jewish Singles: Dating a Single Parent

Who Takes Priority?

The longer you wait to marry, the greater the odds that you will be dating someone who is already married, divorced, and with children. Though some clients won’t consider dating someone with children, most of them realize that at a certain age, it’s almost inevitable, and with maturity, wisdom, love, and humor, it can turn out to have some very rewarding benefits. First of all, be aware that especially at the beginning of the relationship, children are going to take precedence over you, and that’s perfectly normal. One of the most important things a divorced parent can do is to create a stable environment in an instable situation. Divorce shakes up a child’s sense of stability, but if it is handled properly, the child regains their stability and securely builds upon the new reality. When the parent is dating, the child must see that his/her needs still take precedence, and this should continue until you are a permanent fixture in the equation. You need to be understanding and flexible in this situation, and realize that this is your chance to shine. If plans change at the last minute because of a child-based emergency, don’t show irritation. Instead, offer to be of assistance, and assure your date that the evening can be made up another time. Remember that your date was also looking forward to time out with you, but this is their child, and that last thing you want to do is make them feel guilty for putting their child first. Some of you will deal with a situation in which the child deliberately manipulates the parent and possibly works to sabotage your relationship. They may see you as trying to take the place of the other parent, and this raises their defenses. If you can assure the child that you are not trying to adopt the role of their parent, great. If however, the situation is volatile, try to stay out of the conflict as much as possible, and simply show support and understanding toward your dating partner. You can gently suggest counseling, or buy books that discuss the same situation, but do your best not to get embroiled in the mess. In these cases, it’s probably not you that is the issue. The child probably has unresolved anger that needs to be released. As the relationship grows, your role in the household will also grow, and you will begin to feel more comfortable vocalizing dissention. Hopefully, you’ve shown maturity and thoughtfulness when dealing with the child up to this point, and your opinion can be valued. In addition, if you’ve made an effort to really get to know the child, and have spent quality time with him/her, then you have, hopefully, become an important role model in the child’s life. This is truly a gift, and one that you should revere. To have a role of influence in the development of another human being is one of life’s greatest gifts. Optimally, you will have the opportunity to play this role in the lives of your own children, but showing genuine concern and understanding toward a partner and their children, shows a truly loving and selfless character.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles Common Interests

Are they a make or break?

It’s an age-old dilemma.  If opposites attract, then why do we keep looking for a partner who shares our same interests?  Is it really so important that a couple enjoy the same activities and share the same likes/dislikes, or is it more exciting if each person can introduce the other to something new? Well, like most things in life, the truth lies somewhere in between.  I don’t think anyone can discount the thrill of meeting someone who shares your obsession of a particular genre of film or music, or with whom you can engage in hours of conversation over some obscure topic in which no one else seems interested. This is what finding a soulmate feels like, right? Well, yes. But a soulmate is also someone who encourages you to expand your comfort zone and experience new things.  Let’s face it, by this stage in your development, you’re probably pretty set in your lifestyle and have strong opinions about what does and doesn’t appeal to you.  So is this where you should limit your search? Absolutely not.  The main objective to find a partner whose values match your own.  This should be your main point of elimination. Analyze yourself and come up with a list of five value- based character traits that are simply not up for negotiation, and look first for those. Once this hurdle has been crossed, you can turn your attention to your individual interests. Even in this realm, you can learn a lot about a person’s underlying value system. Say you are a fan of the opera, and your partner is addicted to trance music. Is this an impasse? Not at all. The key is how willing each of you is to opening your minds and experiencing the interests of the other. Do you make the effort to listen to his trance music, and learn how this particular genre speaks to him? Does he surprise you with tickets to the opera, and seem willing to share the experience with you? It may not lead to either of you thoroughly enjoying the other’s taste, but the loving act of trying to understand what appeals to the other will lead to a more open and secure relationship.  If, however, only one of you (or neither of you) makes an effort to discover more about what makes your partner tick by engaging them in discussions about their particular interests, then this shows a self-centeredness and lack of growth that most likely will permeate the entire relationship.

This reflects a value system that is lacking in maturity and ability to thoroughly love the other person. The bottom line is, if you find a person whom you can respect and love, then open yourself up to new interests and experiences, and try to discover more about your partner through the subjects that appeal to him/her. And if there are some activities in which you just cannot conjure an interest, then as long as they are not harmful to the relationship, accept them as part of who this person is, and understand that finding someone with whom you share EVERY interest, is an unrealistic goal.

Sara Malamud

www.worldofsingles.com

Jewish Singles: Half In, Half out. Dating while “separated”, is it a good idea?

If you’re dating in today’s landscape, it’s almost inevitable that you’re going to eventually be confronted with the opportunity to date someone who in the process of divorcing. In general, you should limit your search to a partner who is legally available, but what should you do if you meet someone with whom you have a real connection and the opportunity to build a real relationship, but he/she is not yet legally divorced? To put it as straightforward as possible, this can be some tricky stuff. Even couples who firmly believe that divorce is in everyone’s best interest, and have already agreed to keep things on a friendly basis, will still be dealing with a new set of emotions. For a man, divorce is often accompanied by a feeling of failure, even when the reasons for the divorce are genuine. This is a difficult time for everybody, and the accompanying stress and lifestyle change often puts additional pressure on a new relationship. If children are involved, custody issues may still be in flux and you may find that the time you hoped to spend with your new flame, is being consumed by his/her children.
It’s usually a better idea to wait until the dust has settled, the papers have been signed, and your potential partner has already settled and become comfortable in his/her new life before you start dating. Wait until your partner has become comfortable with their new environment and schedule, and you’ll find that fitting you into that life is a smoother transition. However, if you are already in a situation of dating a separated spouse, try to pull back a little and give your partner the space and patience to get through this difficult time. Though you may feel a bit neglected now, in the long run, your support and consideration will lend toward warmer feelings and a stronger relationship.
Sara Malamud
www.worldofsingles.com